Da Dominion: Home of DOMINIONCAST!

Remember the homebrew setting I was developing, The Jovian Chronicles? Wondered if it was just another of those “what if” masturbatory conceptualizing many designers do? Know how I’m always mentioning what a great GM I am? I’m starting a series here where I post the story summaries of our session for your entertainment and my own glorification.

Prologue: The PC’s are the survivors of the Europa Explorer, which crashed on in this acidic bog on this land they’ve never seen. Security specialist Jerrith, Engineer’s Mate Alan Hatchett and a ferret name Squeezil - now possessed of sapience - narrowly escape the sinking vessel with the aid of some small frenetic alien. They travel in a direction of the creatures insistence, having a close encounter with voracious native insects, and arrive in the home village of their savior, “Taka” she likes to be called.

Initial contact with Taka’s species proved hindered by the lack of communication. The females present readily accepted the child’s return, after her inspection. Jerrith’s innocent demonstration of his carbine put the mature agrarian males on the defensive, understandably. Alan’s analysis of their native tools revealed sophisticated machining and carpentry. The hoe’s head was apparently made of finely forged titanium, quite unusual for such a seemingly primitive people. Violence wasn’t the response, however the team was escorted to the village central plaza by a close contingent of the men.

The walk through the settlement attracted many onlookers and showcased the diversity of these aliens. All were of modest height and slender to wiry builds with finely scaled skin in earth-toned coloration from sand to slate with an iridescent sheen present in the light. Homes were plant fiber huts with ceramic mortar and woven mat doors. All in all, these beings were not much unlike pre-industrial cultures of Earth. Family based societal organization was observed. A lodge composed of several interconnected huts sat on the plaza, out of which issued three apparent elders bedecked in beads and ceremonially painted to show rank. The eldest invited them in.

The team participated in a ceremony led by the eldest in which they imbibed a strange beverage that had a strong adverse reaction to the two humans, though Squeezil seemed immune to the worst effects. The hosts tending to their sickness followed a throbbing headache and vomiting and now able to communicate with the team via some form of verbally initiated limited linguistic telepathy. They had been given “The Voice”.

The Erven are a simple people with a reverence for the preservation of nature whom toil essentially as peasant labor. Illiterate, they pass on treasured histories orally and don’t possess the “documents” (also a rough translation of the concept of technology). Apparent herbivores, without even domesticated animals, they are avowed pacifists whom highly respect life and are grateful for the care given to Taka. They have no concept of anything above the corusea (the sky spanning plasma phenomena) and very little of events on other shiffs (floating continent like land masses which emanate an anti-gravitational field and moving over some kind of field called the elemir). Skimmas are some kind of machine capable of navigating the space between shiffs, but the Erven have none.

There are other sapient species present in their world - “Others” like the Myessi and Cappodans are mentioned - but this village is under the “protection” of the Ceph Nior. A warrior race that is wary of threats and “takes life”, the Nior lost their homeland in a catastrophe and have warred over it with others. The crash landing of the Europa attracted Taka’s curiosity and no doubt would attract their overlords from a nearby outpost, perhaps arriving in a ryzma (local day measured by a full color cycle of the corusea, 30 hours).

The team considers leaving to spare the Erven the anger of their masters, but there is little place to go. The shiff is only 3 to 4 rymas wide on foot. It is decided that fealty must be sworn to the Ceph Nior when they come to prevent violence. In the meantime the team go about trying to share their advanced technical knowledge with their generous hosts. Alan attempt to improve their central irrigation pump. Jerrith shows how to form clay into bricks. Squee attempts to give them a language, but meets difficulty the telepathic nature of communication. Things are interrupted with the feared arrival of the lords.

Upon domestic riding beasts called striders, lithe quadruped saurian reptiles, a squad of Ceph Nior enters the village. More humanoid then the Erven, with hair and ears, their lavender hued skin features deeper pigmented striations and dark bony plates that can extrude from the skin to form a keratinous natural armor besides the leathery chitin armor they wear. Armed with halberd-like darglaives, the five receive the reception of nobility with the whole village of 80 turning out with offerings. A central figure in decorative amber colored armor holds himself as the commander. He immediately orders the team and the eldest into the lodge.

The team is interrogated about their home shiff, but being mystified as to where this realm is aren’t helpful. Offerings are demanded and replied with a candy bar, which the Ceph find not particularly good. The team is ordered to come with them when Taka comes running into the lodge, perhaps fearful for her friends, and his harshly struck by the officer for the disturbance. Noticing the team’s reaction, he wishes to further demonstrate his power and order the girl killed. Jerrith intervenes to offer him their only luxury in exchange for the child’s life, his vodka. Identifying the clear liquid as poison, and believing this to be an attempt at assassination, smashes it to the floor and orders his men to attack.

The elder spirits away Taka while the team fights to defend themselves. Jerrith gets to his hidden carbine and takes down one, while Squeezil surprises a second with a grievous bite to the neck. Angering the warrior, she runs to hide in a stack of rug rolls. The Nior return fire with their weapons, which project some kind of molten slug like a musket. Alan rushes a third but is easily repelled before having his legs sliced out from under him by a heavy darglaive swing. Closing to melee range the Ceph outnumber Jerrith. His gun stock a por match for their axe-like weapons. Turning with a blow to the back swings him into a hard blow to the chest - he succumbs to shock. Squee, swiftly moving to hide on Jerrith‘s person, is able to apply some bio balm to his wound but it’ll take a while to heal even with it‘s accelerated effects. Alan is given treatment by the officer, not wanting to loose his quarry so soon.

The warriors begin to bind their captives.

To be continued …

From the trailer, Role Models has the look of a Judd Apatow joint, but it isn’t. It’s him only by the transitive property of Paul Rudd - one of the flick’s several writers and been in enough of the funniest comedies of recent years to try to launch himself as a lead. Like Seth Rogan and Jason Segel, it’s finally Rudd’s turn - which I called five months ago - and he does deliver … Mostly.

Rudd’s common character is often the cynically depressed smart ass, as he was in 40 Year Old Virgin. He does break the mold at times, like his stoned surf instructor in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, but for this he goes back to his base. Thirty something stuck in a rut job and rejected by a girl, this time Liz “I’m trying to max out my exposure” Banks - which is a step up from Mindy Kaling. I’m not a Hindu hater but that’s the sexiest pic I found of her. At least she’s not Sandra Oh. It’s like someone Silly Puttied Michelle Yeoh’s face then stretching it over a football.

Anyway, this crisis spurs Paul to cause an incident that drags in his stupid horn dog boy Wheeler, played by Sean Scott - remember I don’t do the middle names, no William, he’s fuck’in Stiffler! The two are sentenced to community service with a kid’s organization or face ass-rape jail. At this point does jail have to be qualified as “butt-pounding”. Oz went off the air five years ago. Scared Straight was twenty-five years ago. We get it: don‘t go to jail unless you‘re REALLY a sick blood lusting bastard or Wesley Snipes.

Rudd is matched up with an uber nerd costumed LARPer (live action role player, the step siblings of respectable basement gamers) played by Chris Plasse (McLovin) and Scott with the anti-Garry Coleman Ronnie portrayed well by Bobb‘e Thompson (not a misspelling, he‘s Black). Paul and Plasse have a more realistic developing friendship. The adult teaching the kid to be more outgoing and the kid showing the cynic how to let go of his bitterness. Most of the comedy rests on Scott and Thompson. The boy does violent pranks and white teasing as a tough kid façade, while butt of the joke Scott swears at him until they bond over their objectification of women.

This is the charm of Role Models, these grown up kids are able to bond with these youngsters with issues over their own arrested development - and in doing so become more adult. Starts off as a slacker comedy but develops an actual morale to the story that you don‘t expect. This is a hallmark of Apatow’s flicks and is good to see Rudd adopting this.

Something that was attempted but failed was the super funny support cast. There’s no circle of ridiculously unique characters. Plasse’ parents are Ken Marino (co-writer) and Kerri Kenny from Reno 911, both actors from The State - genius sketch comedy show from the 90’s. They came of funny but could have done more. Jane Lynch plays the recovering addict head role model in charge of the program that mixes metaphors between child psych and Twelve Step in a funny way but not so much. The story climax has the whole gang dressed as a KISS-themed warrior band in a great LARP battle, so geek points are definitely scored for painting role-playing in a cool light and everyone ends up better than they started for the experience.

Not quite enough boobs for all the boobie talk though.

Against the prevailing wisdom of her family, a young woman of 22 named Flora began to date her 80-ish college professor, Truman Packed. Over a shared appreciation for botany, their loved blossomed. The two courted for several months, planting the seeds of romance, but upon trying to reap fruit from their mutual passion it was found - due to advanced years - Packed’s withered stalk wouldn’t rise.

An old friend from the biology department, Dr. Hardamon, suggested a experimental surgery to help his colleague. Muscles from the trunk of an elephant would be grafted on to his member to stimulate better circulation in his situation. Desperate to keep his beautiful love, Truman agreed. The operation went well; the gamble paid off. Long anticipation exploded in a gloriously ecstatic union, that could only result in Professor’s Paked’s proposal to his sweet flower - and it’s grateful acceptance. An somewhat traditional gentleman, Truman insisted the next consumation would only be made with her as his bride.

At the family dinner before the wedding, Flora let temptation get a hold of her - as she secretly took hold of Truman’s triumph under the table. Little cousin Eddie offered a plate of potatoes to the groom-to-be when suddenly a wrinkled grey dick shot up from the professor’s lap, wrapped around a spud and shot just as quick out of sight!!! Flora recoiled in fright as Eddie grasped his fork for protection.

The frivolity at the table turned to shocked wonder. After a few moments, Flora’s mother found the courage to speak.
“Professor, … I didn’t quite … catch that. Could you … do it again?”

Old Packed shifted uncomfortably in his seat, then shyly admited to all,
“I would, madame. But, I’m afraid, I don’t have room in my ass for another baked potato.”

Heroes has now officially returned with a double episode this Monday - following an hour long clip show reintroduction that I really could’ve done without.

Every fan of the show has been watching the web exclusives, web comics and replaying the Season 2 DVD until the disk melts. The preview show I guess was meant to make us literally fall off the edge of our seats like we all did today when Clay “9/10ths out of the closet” Aiken finally sashayed his buttermilk biscuits into the open, to massive faux surprise.

I like that Hiro has a new quest because he’s the fan boy with a greater destiny that all of us want to be. I admire them for waiting this long to finally give him a worthy power counterpart in the bad girl speedster Daphne. There’s only so long that one can endure an “I don’t know my own strength yet” learning curve. Her intro was great with the ultra-slow time merely something that she accelerated out of to smack down our naive boy. This attitudinal hurdle of his development may be breached with the Ando betrayal revelation. Yeah, it could be some shape changer, or the Butterfly Effect will prevent that occurrence - then again that could be a new future - but I think it would be cool for Ando to get powers - NO ONE DESERVES POWERS MORE THAN ANDO SAN.

Now Mohinder has opened that possibility with his powers shot - assuming it doesn’t just make the recipient Brundle from the Goldblum remake of The Fly. What the fuck were they going for with that? It goes against the whole adrenal trigger for powers when he’s just hanging around doing super shit. The one plus was Maya gets naked, a long time coming (another probable side effect of his powers). Why she submitted to the titanic tantra dicking I couldn’t fathom what with all the “dis is el diablo” speech about corrupting powers. Maybe it’s some pheromone he exudes now too? Maybe just an impulsive Jessica moment?

Where the hell is that bitch? Troubled single Mom Nikki, hulking whore Jessica and now cryokinetic Neo-Con groupie Terri Strauss. Captain Sheridan back on the tube is welcomed though, but not likely for much development in the patsy role. Leaves me wondering when/if Micah and the Katrina cousin get back into the story. Nikki, if she is the base character, must have the power to split personalities to deal with trauma complete with new powers of the persona - kinda lame, but better than damage sponge Claire.

We see a dark version of the future Cheerleader, but I’m unsure as to whether this will manifest although she’s got the potential with her whole “am I still human” numbness. Daddy brought in fire mommy, while he’s off to kick some ass. We may get some more backstory out this hopefully, as opposed to cliched estranged parent schmultz. Being ability raped by Sylar was a powerful scene but I wasn’t surprised she lived, nor should anyone else. I was mainly pissed that Mr. Creepy has a new power.

I must say that Sylar is my favorite character because I actually HATE him. Ironically, with his powers I’d be doing similar things to him - so he’s some kind of emotional projection of my own id. Most of my affiliation with Peter is that he can actually kill the bastard, but now there’s a weird sibling dynamic soon to surface. Now Momma Petrelli is a lying bitch, and this could be just a ploy to get S-Man to hunt down the villains, but Gabriel, Peter, and Nathan all share an biblical theme. Only Nathan is picking up on the angel role and may have the soul-swapping power that future Pete has, since he’s chatting with the ghost of Linderman - and can access his powers it seems since Peter never met old boy before DL made him a knucklehead.

Scar Pete from the future I like cause he’s the badass of the series now, save Bennet who’s just now getting into the saddle that says “Bad Muthfucka” on it. He knows the future and his own powers, including some yet to be revealed, and moving with clear direction. He ported Parkman to Africa like “this won’t do, laters”. The cop can stay in Africa for all I care, assuming he’s not trapped in his own mind somehow. If not, atleast we get a new black hero out of the deal.

Highly anticipated: My man Jaime Hector from The Wire is a villain with the ability to “read your fears and convert it to his strength, awesome strength”. I’m staying tuned for that alone.

111 total posts
minus 9 Dominion Casts
minus 2 Decrees
Equals: Welcome to the 100th article!!

Uh … what to write about? … er … hmmm …
What’s that reader? Where did this all begin?

(Author’s Note: The following may be greatly exaggerated)

The year was 1722; I was 25. Though a child by the standards of today, I was a man in that age; master of my own plantation, husband and father. Actually, that’s how Louie of the Vampire Chronicles begins - lots of fiction can blur your reality. It was earlier this year to late last. I was 32, though an adult by the standards of today, an adolescent by the judgment of past love interests and a few psychotherapists.

As you grow older life becomes more complex. Friends you used to see daily become available only weekly, then monthly, then when you can. The brilliant wit that has made me the “Funny Guy” of my geek clique was going to waste. Often while experiencing life’s tragic comedies, I’d mutter something snarky or clever to myself - in lieu of a friend to hear it - and was disappointed at how predictable I found my own jokes. Co-workers or acquaintances that where nearby would sometimes chuckle, mostly politely, but nearly as often merely smirk, grimace in confusion or slowly back away - like a moose from a hockey mom or a Democrat from a confrontation. (Fair & Balanced)

Hunin, through emotional attrition, was recently married and looking for new avenues on the web to generate profit. His pocket-sized dot com empire Hunin Communications - whose motto is “Buy our Shit, or We’ll Keep Asking You” - was having issues connecting to new markets. He struck upon the idea of marketing syndicated content via the blogosphere, because no one does that, and approached long time friend now junior attorney Anson to begin a blog on business and legal advice. Having never read the website, but knowing the author for years, I can assume it was as boring as watching turtle shit roll uphill on a windy day. I’d link to this blog to verify my prejudice, but the url once typed somehow reads as http://Zzzzzz.

Hunin approached me about writing a blog of my clever musing. To his surprise, I didn’t ruefully dismiss this idea as I had done with his net dating service that randomly matched people by email address and his fetish voyeur site “Cank Hound”, which posted pics of the cankles of women taken around our town. It was a mutual solution to our problems. Digg’s Dominion went up the second week of April this year in all of it’s stygian glory with an article about my personal burden of being the best DM I’ve ever met wedged between dozens of ad links. The hauntingly beautiful Rosario Dawson accepted the role of my muse and Domina, tacitly since my email to her fan site was never replied to but she accepted the gift of my betrothal ice cream sandwich.

Early problems presented themselves quickly. The white print on black with blood red fields combined with loud flashy ad links caused us to loose much of our first crop of readers to seizure induced coma and suicide from Google-themed night terrors. Many feedback emails screamed “Tone it down!!!” with attached pics of pale bloodshot-eyed fans pressing knives to their own throats. We changed around some of the lay out but didn’t get many replies from those troubled - our condolences go out to their families. Bigger issues were prominent from the start.

Our name shared similarity to the internet megalith Digg, which could send lawyers over to suspend Hunin over a royalty collecting sack and shake him broke while I denied any involvement with this blog and went back to writing in a raggedly coffee-stained notebook (Da Dominion 1.0). While recording an mp3 apology - choked with tears and pleading them not to destroy us - we found it pretty entertaining after the first take - punctuated with swearing as we squeezed lemon juice into our eyes to draw “real” tears. If we recorded talking about interesting things a new venue of content would bolster our dusty coffers. This was the birth of Dominion Cast; we’re still waiting for those large donations to reach us by mail.

Cast #1 sounded like we were taping inside the carcass of a beached whale while DM Erik shouted instructions on how to make D&D 4E characters through the ass. We keep this one in the attic, shoving bowls of gruel under the door and sending in Cast #2 -our second least favorite - to change it’s diapers. If you can locate Cast #1 and try to extort us with it’s existence a squad of secret Dominion servants - hundreds of citizens that have not officially joined us to serve as my anonymous army - will find you, download your copies of the file to CD, shatter the disk and make you eat the shards with Habenero Baboon Ass sauce. 8-10 hours later, your punishment will reach full fruition; no porcelain god will save you from the toilet magma.

A month and a half ago we did a full site revamp, adopting da Dominion as our mantle. It was a brutal ordeal for many innocents. Many web sites like DS (with DW, DQ, DX & DZ) Dominion, Ad Dominion, and others were made vassals to our realm. Many a webmaster or blogger now fears the sight of hot sauce, cushion-less chairs and know the practice of Urine Boarding first hand - none were bought out, just subject to “enhanced” persuasion. The current blog lay out has resulted in zero suicides and comas and the cool tag cloud to play with. Our forums host many entertaining opinions, purchase opportunities and the funniest vid clips regurgitated from Youtube.

What more could you ask for? Seriously. With the consolidation of our foothold on the net, many secret servants may now step forward to comment. Feedback is our fuel. We don’t have to drill for it … do we?