Da Dominion: Home of DOMINIONCAST!

Once in a while at a convention, at a pick-up game or joining your group will be a guy that plays a female character. I’ve found ten deep breaths through the nostrils and out the mouth Miyagi-style is enough to keep your stomach contents down. If not, choose the bag of chips you dislike least and spew into that - I’d go with Bugles myself, their flavor can’t be worsened.

There is nothing wrong with a guy playing a female, or a chick playing a male … in theory. Gamer girls can get away with murder since their presence at the table may be closest thing you’ve had to a date in months ( or ever). Another point in their favor is that they’re playing dudes, which is infinitely more easy as there’s plenty of examples to base her portrayal off of. Grab the biggest most damaging weapon in the shop, kill anything that’s ugly or anyone that says “No” to her, try to fuck any female NPC in line of sight, and speak little (OK, maybe not that easy for her). In many groups, she’ll fit right in, if not receive marriage proposals by the end of the session.

Guys have the issues in my experience with hetereo-playing - playing the other sex. The best and most “enlightend” will confuse the equality of women with the their similarity to men. Aside from the occasional Seduction check for the city guard, stormtrooper, big bad guy or male deity (and reap the golden shower) there’s no difference in the character. This seems to defeat the purpose of playing another gender in the first place. Pointless, but by far the best of the bad scenarios possible.

Other gamer guys, in an effort to really showcase their acting range, go the whorrific route. Every character with a penis get’s flirted with like crazy. They speak in high pitched cracking voices that wouldn’t be less girly if they weren’t spraying nacho crumbs. They bat their eyelashes and lock eyes coyly when speaking to you, another dude. They cross their flabby arms to perk up a set of man-tits in place of their character’s double d’s … 10 breaths … get the Bugles, *herg*. Homophobic, no. Homo-nauseating, HELL YEAH!

I’ve played one PC female before: Telanie Took, a halfling Ranger that was more flighty than flirty but loved foot massages. As a DM that prides himself on playing up my NPCs, I’ve played many females in that respect. The best focus I find is on speech and mannerism without getting into stereotypical touches. Having female gamers helps because they can provide examples to model yourself after. If you have to do sex stuff go into third person narration: “She undoes your breeches and reaches for the Universal Lubricant.” DO NOT DO IMPRESSIONS, especially of any woman that you’ll be requesting sex of! Women are masters of communication and will read into them ultra deep - incubating resentment to be hatched later.

Still have doubts? Ask yourself: What Would Xena Do?

Not another message about the dangers of STD’s reminiscent of dozens of middle and high school “Keep it in Your Pants” presentations - but perhaps your school was less sluttish than mine. This article will assume we’re adults (beat it kids! … literally) and we know how to protect ourselves.

Prudishness is a defense against sexual obsession and indulgence, which I’m sure if unchecked would raise public morale but leave production ironically flaccid. Doing the new temp in the stairwell of the loading dock can be fun, but complicates professional relationships, sullies the cleanliness of professional attire (if you’re doing it right), and sidetracks co-workers with lurid rumor and gossip. Grey’s Anatomy via interactive play at your place of work can be as irresistible to many …women  … as Sandra Oh‘s face is repellant to many men … me.

On the other hand, you may get shot down. Although you aren’t a hater, many requests made of the co-worker may appear resentful. “I’ve got to tabulate all this data cause I didn’t want to upload him? Bastard! Better do it before I get laid off.”  This is the root of sexual harassment by creation of a perceived hostile workspace. Women have enough burdens without co-workers drooling over them too, which also sullies professional appearance. Adult men should be able to control themselves, through sheer practice and mostly do. Although, some societies even censor the distraction on the way to work:

Chilean See Ass

We’ve got women dressed less than that on US streets, and their lap dances are a lot more … engaging. Can’t Chilean strippers practice their intricate art in whatever spaces are available to them? Do they need that armored truck to haul her off? I thought the Nazis fled to Argentina.

Luckily, society has created marriage to harness and domesticate the sex drive, turning the wild wolf into a neutered cockapoo. If the threat of divorce can control appetite, it can or will magnify the desire as well. Even if a spouse cheats, it’s still less sex than if everyone was single. Most - men - safely regress to the adolescent relief of their past, resulting in this:

The Lovemobile

If his car were full of Fabio-covered “romance” novels would it be suck an issue? Besides wrist strain and personal dehydration, what’s the worst he can do? Panties hung on display in a mall store window are ok, but not in dude’s car? I thought the Nazis fled to Argentina. Leopard skin seat covers: that’s the true crime. Put him under the jail for those.

Three thousand posts ago, or was it thirty, the question of slutitude was examined and its was concluded — 100% logically, accurately and empirically evidently since no comments opposed it — that the multiple partners is the stigma stain of this negative noun. Yet, unless mixing outside of a marriage or creep’in out while committed, men never really sustain this or similar lecherous labels. We ask: who the HELL cares? Although, women may wonder why this is.

Consider language, at its genesis. Did men invent language and therefore create the slut term from sexism and not ponder an equivalent for their transgressions? I’d say no. Women almost definitely invented language. Hunting requires quiet and can be organized with hand signals. Foraging requires the expression of complex ideas: “Hagda, pick the azure berries. Scarlet berries too fattening. Hagda need two mammoth hides for dress.” “Close mouth! Guna say you look good.”  I don’t think sexual politics was a luxury they could afford.

The answer lies deeper, in our biology. Rain, sleet, snow: male-men can get aroused in a minute or less and orgasm in two, or less. I don’t recommend they do, speedy, but it’s evidence of sexual simplicity women don’t’ possess. The basic results of sex for men are relief, maybe spreading their genes, hunger and sleep (the best kind there is). For women it’s relief, if they’re lucky, but could also be nine months of growing discomfort, years of commitment to a child, or death from complications. No man has died from childbirth — ok, a few have but then they learned to move sharp objects out of a laboring woman’s reach. Some say hump’in around may have created the strength in our species by spreading DNA diversity and countering infant mortality rates in the ancient times. Others say that monogamy is a battle to be fought.

The good old days. Now it can be a problem. Look at polygamists. The guy gets 15 wives, while women get 1/15^th of a husband — pesky equal rights — and got to pump out kids to compete for attention/resources. Going on social assistance to support dozens of kids. Junior, #8, can’t get a date cause girls his age are his step-moms or nieces! Even if it’s minimal, three wives isn’t like a wife and two girlfriends, watch Big Love — the father even starts to cheat second season.

But your jealous girlfriends will still talk about you, ladies. Hateration abounds.

I was watching a movie titled Teeth, a light-hearted comedy about an abstaining-until-marriage teenage girl with a carnivorous twat, when it occurred to me just how fucked up Abstinence-only Sex Ed. is.

I guess I can see the rationale of a “Just Say No“ campaign. This was the tactic of first lady Nancy Reagan in the war against drugs of the ’80’s, and some of us remember what a drug-free time that was. This total denial can work for illegal substances since there are plenty of legal drugs you can get (in 40 ounce doses ) and addicts aren’t sexy ( “No, no, no” ) 

To deny the biological momentum from millions of years of evolution — or thousands of years of “Thou shalt be Fruitful and Multiply” for the Creationists, is actually denial of reality in favor of the utopia found up their own asses — which is also forbidden, hypocrites. Those that disobey will be punished, spiritually and it seems LEGALLY  too.

Even masturbation is chastised — your hands are the ENEMY! A shame since the internet is full of “illustrative” videos that encourage or comprehensively demonstrate this birth control method. Sure, the good book says not to spill the seed (use thy sock); then again, at 16 you were married back then and needed to be producing children for Israel — cause the Canaanites  are always beef’in (still are). Trying to live today by these archaic rules is the central problem of all this.

If you teach kids the full story maybe 1 in 4 girls wouldn’t have an STD and the teen pregnancy rate would fade back down. It’s biology, which we still mostly teach in school. These topics in the subject are far more relevant than the slimy chambers of a cow’s stomach (the lactose intolerant don’t give a shit!). A fair and balanced presentation like this popular web site  should be the norm, not the exception.

Keeping kids dumb is a sure way to get more dumb kids — ask the Spears Family

Give her jewelry. If you give her cash, that’s prostitution.” – Anonymous guy

Are whores wrong because they exchange sex for money or because they have multiple patrons? Some combination of the two? (That’ll cost you extra.)

Many say the former, elaborating that these women are cheap and self-destructive. Sometimes this is accurate, other times it’s not. Drug-fiend woman on the corner, yes; Five-Diamond pro with healthcare and a six figure salary, not so much (definately NOT cheap). Desperate single mom on the stroll, yep; Chief of Staff for the City of Detroit, no. The five-diamond is parleying her ill-fame into a new career, ain’t that constructive. The Chief of Staff (former) was damaged by betraying the sisterhood, had her man been single (and not the highly-scrutinized corrupt mayor of a stigmatized city) it would’ve been gravy. When premarital sex is common as it is now in our culture, and women are encouraged to play the field before settling down (or after, like a desperate housewife), I’m not seeing this as so much of an incriminating discriminator (say that three times fast, whore).

Is it the multiple partners? Many say yes, and I’m among them. Marriage as the preferred relationship between sexual partners goes back to the first concept of property. “My hard work for my land is going to my kids by my wife, my heirs.” Note the possessiveness. Primitive to our minds now, but the foundation of family as we have known it. A man’s kids not with his wife are bastards, outside of the family and no economic threat to it. We pay child support now, but this is a very new concept. Wife’s children by another violate the property contract. Who’s a rightful heir and who isn’t, are any? (“Abraham, over the matter of little Ishmael, you … ARE the father!”)

DNA tests and reliable birth control have mitigated this problem greatly, but still the stigma stays. A never married women with five kids from the same father is seen much better than a women with three children by three men even if she was married to all of them. Commitment is intimacy which is the reason to have sex many believe … those with vaginas believe … some of those with vaginas don’t believe, the whores!

The moral: brand loyalty is invaluable, shopping around is slutty; unless you‘re a guy … then either one is good. Really, aren’t we evolved enough to dump these Puritanical labels? A scarlet letter would just become another tramp-stamp, and an “A” is easy to misread there.