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Christmas reveals the consolidated final guest list for the celebration/get-together you plan to attend. You’ve got the A-listers, family and friends, covered - hopefully - but what about those friends in-law that are showing up too? The sister’s fiancée, your brother’s college buddy from the broken home, or your aunt’s long-time “friend” that dresses butch and likes football more than you. All of these people don’t really mean much to you, but the spirit of the holidays should be spread: indebt them with a gift they’re not expecting to reap gifts from them next year.

Here are the top three “You really shouldn’t have” gifts:

Fourth Runner Up:

3. Gasoline. Gas stations are open, on the way to your destination or just around the corner so it’s great for the last moment, a gallon gift certificate. The prices are pretty low now - and they know this. Mention some news report you saw on BBC news - or some other channel few watch - about how the Oil Companies are waiting to jack back up prices once Obama gets in office and the economic crisis levels out. Remind them of Mad Max; it‘s not lying it‘s probable. Cheap, sure, but what did they get you? Co-signing the “From” tag on the gift from your real family pales next to good old Texas tea.

2. Donate in their name. Tis the season when PBS and NPR interrupts their normal informative program to beg for your support and offer DVD’s of their programs which you’ve already downloaded from the internet. Still, ya feel guilty. Kill two turtle doves with one stone by giving your usual $5 donation in their name. Now every elderly viewer that has on PBS as background noise and kids doing reports on the plight of the endangered California red-legged frog can know that they give generously. Any thank you gifts PBS sends, you keep it … nah, give it to them. It’s a cheap gift already and you have Absolute Zero: The Conquest of Cold on TiVo for yourself anyway.

1. A Vintage Book. By “vintage” I mean the oldest copy of your favorite book - the one you’ve read a dozen times already and own several different editions. This really communicates sincerity cause you actually are sharing something you’ve enjoyed - if they read similar literature. If they don’t, now is the time to introduce them to the pioneering genius of Frank Herbert’s Dune. It may open up a whole new avenue of entertainment if they don’t chuck it on the lowest level of their bookshelf or use it to level out a wobbly table. Should either of these two outcomes be likely, out of respect for the author gift them your least favorite oldest book. Demographically speaking, those that don’t like Dune may deeply love Waiting to Exhale.

Failing all these, booze works every time - but, ironically Colt 45 wouldn’t in this instance.

Relationships for the Unhip. Smarty sex. Actually just Rib, Dairy Queen, Hunin, Mrs. Hunin and myself commiserating on the difficulties of romance when you’re geeky awesome. Mrs. Hunin being the wife of Hunin, and being present, take his words with a grain whip *WUH-PISH!* Rib’s sexy is unstoppable and Dairy Queen can play her cards best, but all I want is a little appreciation and understanding … from super hot chick.

Dominion Cast 19 download - 54 mb, 59 mins

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I’ve always been a genre purist. It seems to me that when you mash up two different settings it’s a cop-out for not being able to do one right by itself. If you’re good a making breakfast, but a new lady friend asks you to make her dinner and you make her an egg and cheese loaf. A nice cheese omelet formed into an artery-choking vomit-like brick of greasy yellow. Better hope you’ve got some other charm to fall back on - dexterously dazzling cunnilinguistics.

It can be done well. I’ve spoken on how Buffy didn’t appeal me in the past - kitsch dark occult, NAH - but do love Firefly, Joss Whedon’s Western Sci-Fi mix redemption. Another example is Jim Butcher’s Dresden Files novel series - actually I‘ve only finished listening to the debut novel Storm Front but if the writing holds through out the series it‘ll be gravy. Not egg gravy. The story inspired a single season series on Sci-Fi Channel, but in the tragic tradition of Farscape, it too was canceled before its prime. Wasn’t a great showing with its Mulder and Scully love tension between Harry Dresden and his cop contact Murphy, but it did magic a bit differently than normal.

Butcher did a lot upfront to soothe my suspicions. Many setting leave me wondering why magic has to be underground. Why doesn’t science absorb it? Methane is flammable, shit can produce methane, and therefore bat guano could maybe produce the twenty-foot radius fireball of fantasy lore. It would take a lot of bats on a prune diet, but you can work with that as an author. Many don’t because it seems to take a bit of work and talent, which they don‘t have or choose to showcase. Geeks like sexy sexy detail, duh!

Butcher shows why this can’t be in his world. Magic operates by a symbolic science, although it’s used the same way as the forensic sciences on CSI - but far less cheesy. The forces are often fueled by dark energies - not the “dark” as in extra creepy but the kind that requires demonic orgies, hatred and lightning storms to power. If it became mainstream the world would be hell given this cheap form of energy. White Council that enforces laws to protect our civilization although it isn’t a part of it checks the potential for power abuse. There’s a practical reason why it shouldn’t become more popular - although they’re not uber secretive about it. Main protagonist Harry Blackstone Copperfield Dresden advertises in the Yellow Pages and is on police retainer.

Dresden’s tale is a gritty film noir detective story that simply adds credible magic. He broke as fuck - would you hire a wizard? Instead of paying crackhead informants, he’ll pump a faerie for information - no homo. He lives an old fashion life not from some hokey style but because dealing with magic ruins machinery. Yet, he still packs a revolver since it’s a simple mechanism and guns are fuck’in handy. There laws of magic like those of physics, which are too numerous to exposition dump, but Harry, our hero and first person narrator, has no problem explaining them in simple terms as they come up without sounding like lecture.

I could very well be disappointed later on the series, but so far so magically delicious.

To be heroes protagonists need adversaries, really they do. No matter how much pocket change you drop in the Salvation Army bucket it doesn’t make you a hero, just an individual prone to guilt and a decent. Don’t go running off to stop gun-wielding muggers with your memorized Jet Li choreography - or at least leave your wallet with the charity Santa first.

There is the arduous quest across country to acquire some saving boon, but after a while inclement weather becomes boring in a story. If there was a blizzard - more blizzards is tiring. Sleet storm yesterday, you can’t believably have a heat wave the next day, nor a monsoon after that - unless the adventure takes place in Michigan. Vaudeville era weather jokes aside, protagonists need antagonist hate to become great. This is why gaming companies provide you with bestiaries and monstrosity laden manu … guidebooks for low cost, in the pursuit of fueling our hobby.

The real monsters wear suits.

Communist sentiment aside, some of the best villains do wear suits or other forms of opulence. This is just one of the several categories of death dealer. Let’s focus on the most common:

Dire Threat (pg. 243) There’s the creature entries from the danger book you’ve bought from the same company that published your game - like a dealer that sells pipes too. Where is the adventure set? Find creatures that live in that environment. Choose a few that are around the power level of your heroes. Put several of the weaker ones in the beginning, a few less of others about even with the party in the middle then the worst mafucka at the end with a few more of the weakest working with them. Warning: the Sorrowsworn Deathlord is not the best choice for all parties, merely a random coincidence of page 243 citation.

The story that links all of these encounters is beyond the scope of this article, but you can hit up the search function to find another article that does. The previous is the most basic method of creating enemies in a simple session. For more interesting encounters, we have to customize.

The Personal Nemesis. Choose one of your heroes to get reamed and create a character specifically for their weaknesses and durable against their strengths. It’s best to give the villain some motivation that isn’t personal - he got a scroll from the Evil Guild and took the assignment to kill the party. It just so happens that he trained his whole life to defeat the class of the target. Alternatively, and less cheesy, the hero character has been especially annoying in foiling neighborhood evil schemes and some mastermind is more than willing to pay extra for a specialist. A few extra coins for support minions to busy their friends is no big issue; the Evil Guild offers discounts on packs of six and twelve - a dozen for the price of eight once a month with coupon. Being specifically targeted by an adversary can give the hero a feeling of proud accomplishment - even when he’s bleeding.

The Mastermind. A villain for the long haul. This one gets made to be the most powerful enemy the party will ever fight. After they fight him, roll credits - campaign over. He’s got the connections to pull of everything and pay for those that will be dealing with the heroes one on one. For that extra touch make sure to kill any helpful NPC that the heroes may revisit; others will get the message. His whole organization is a ladder for the protagonist to ascend, without slipping on the blood to be shed. I believe it best to give this caliber of asshole some kind of twist. “I AM your father,” is a oldie but goodie but cliché - ey. One of the most inspired would be if your benefactor from the beginning turned out to be the mastermind, whom used the party to cull the weak from his herd - that’s pretty fucked.

Wouldn’t it be interesting if the Pope was behind it all? If under that dress, he was muscled up with glowing infernal tats and piercings? Predictable, but interesting.

Listeners,

I’m very sorry but due to weird encoding issues between ProTools and Audacity, the Dominion Cast planned for today will not be released for the enjoyment of you couple of dozen subscribers. When the WAV file is imported only five minutes of audio shows up although the file is over an hour long. This is not a request for technical assistance, we’re too proud for that, but an illustration of the Truth that even your Dominus can fuck up.

Yes, it’s True.

I’ve made perhaps hundreds of thousands of mistakes. From moderating a mirthlessly anal discussion of satire on Cast 2 to defending AMG’s rap anthem “Big bettah have my Money” in Cast 12+1 to objectifying women with a universally useful ten-point scale in Cast 14 to joking about elderly screen icon Ruby Dee’s battle with constipation in the last episode, poor choices abound. There is also a tendency to write run-on sentences and swearing like a shit-mouthed bastard too much in my posts.

Part of growing up is admitting personal limitations just as part of growing in is wearing shorts during winter in Michigan (high of 23 today … fuck’in Fahrenheit). I’ll never do porn because I don’t want to share my awesome sex techniques, like the palm strike under the navel - more effective than any ass slap. It is unlikely that I could win a marathon since paraplegics don’t run marathons - and I’m not a paraplegic so why would they let me compete? It is impossible for me drink a fifth of Southern Comfort on an empty stomach in less than half an hour and not vomit. I know because I tried, but setting goals for yourself is always admirable.

Again, I most humbly apologize to you few of Friday night shut-ins for not having a Cast for you to listen to and pretend you’re a part of in lieu of actual friends. You’ll have to listen to your regularly enjoyed death metal as you do guild wars on WoW. Next week we’ll do an extra long Dominion Cast for your entertainment. The topic: a surprise, the way you like … or accept it. Until then have a great silent weekend.

With all the love a jaded little heart can muster for strangers without the assistance of alcohol,

Dominus Digga the First