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The New Years brings good news: Fantasy Action has returned to TV!

Stop! I didn’t mean the Spice Channel - or other spank channels for that matter. I mean by Fantasy that genre of fiction that infuses it’s plot, theme or setting with the supernatural unfettered by advanced technology (Sci-Fi) or the macabre (read “muh-COBB-bruh” as in Horror). Lord of the Rings type shit, for the mundane minded.

The program is actually the aforementioned Legend of the Seeker, which was surveyed for excellence in its premiere early November. Seven episodes into its first season, it has bound over several pitfalls of past TV sword and sorcery predecessors to grasp the Obsidian Ring of Dominion Approval. Why not brass ring? It’s clichéd. Obsidian is hard, black, smooth and sharp - like our humor. Brass is more expensive than the brittle volcanic glass, we can’t afford it - but you can! Check our store for the Obsidian Chakram of Approval ™ coming soon! WARNING: chakram is too sharp to be held with human hands. Side effects include loss of fingers, acute pain in the fingerless hand and bleeding from the hands.

Legend of the Seeker, from the producers of Hercules and Xena, based on the Sword of Truth novel series by Terry Goodkind, is a worthy representative of both sets of artist. The first temptation it refused was camera winking. There were a lot of times in Herc and Xena when the comic relief in effect said, “this is just fun fantasy myth.” A lonely Cyclops is angry cause he hasn’t had a date in centuries. I can relate to that shit! Har har hee.

Seeker has avoided a lot of this disbelief strain by not doing monster o’ the week. The central conflict is rightfully focused on Richard Cypher being the first True Seeker in hundreds of years. One day he’s chopping wood shirtless, as a young farmer’s son is expected to do when you’re trying to rope a decent number of female viewers - by the way, writing a blog shirtless doesn’t have the same effect - now he’s the savior of the world with everybody expecting big things of him. His Obi-Wan, the wizard Zeddicus Zu’l Zorander (alliterative name: + 50 pts), is always harping on how he has to become this mythical revolutionary heroic warrior leader in a way that imparts gravity of destiny more concretely than “here’s a light saber, let’s go to Alderaan”. They must overthrow the evilly named Darken Rahl, tyrant of the West, East, Mid, left, and corner adjacent lands of New Zealand - or whatever world the Big Kiwi is meant to model.

On the action front, they’ve kept with the Pose Fu to great effect. Another annoying Fantasy trope they’ve dodged is the cartoon violence. There’s no breaking vase over bad guy’s head or disarming to take them out of the fight. They successfully walk the safe side of the gore line, but the Sword of Truth does cleave many a baddy. Zeddicus burns evil men, not CG monsters, to death with his spells. Specifically, two dagger wielding Kahlan the Confessor whirls like dervish with cuts to the joints, neck and face that leave no doubt whether or not minion #12 survives - unless she‘s cutting extra breathing hole, nah. With the camera safely behind the back of her foes the gore guard is preserved without being lame.

Destiny ain’t easy. They’ve covered Richard having a shot at a normal life in the episode Identity and faced with the temptation of magic abuse in Elixir. Cypher has no time for the fancies of a young lad, and is tragically forced to adventure with Kahlan - played by the pretty Bridget Regan - another specially gifted person with the power to know the hearts of men, steal their wills, wear low cut corsets and bathe in rivers when the Seeker shouldn’t be distracted. Even sadder, she’s not even his sister! Their attraction has developed predictably, but besides inherent problems of sheathing your sword in your ally’s scabbard - her powers make her dangerously untouchable. So it’s not just another “when is Xena gonna get down and lez-out all up in Gabriel” cock tease schtick.

I plan to check out Goodkind’s Sword of Truth once I’m done with a couple of more Dresden Files novels. If the show is this good the books must be even better.

Despite the overblown gimmicky action ride - and practice session for Crank - that was Transporter 2, I decided to give the franchise a new break by seeing Transporter 3: There in 30 seconds, or I’ll kick your ass! Not the actual tagline, yet apparently one of Frank Martin’s (Jason Statham) many unspoken rules. Rule one: touch my suit and I’ll kill you with it. That’s the only spoiler I’ll be giving, read on.

The first in the series, aptly named Transporter because putting the number one in the title would be a bit presumptuous, was just excellent. We never see the mercenary wheelman - let alone one that ’s machine accurate and by book played to cool effect. From 30-year Hong Kong veteran director Corey Yuen, you be surprised … if you’d heard of him before, unlike me. His other movies read like a list of entrees on the menu of China Star Number One Golden Egg Roll Palace, but are harshly distinct single words when translated, like The Doctor, Bartender and Cameo. Shu Qi was a sexy handful Martin could barely mange with a heart of gold and mouth of lies (here name too, Lai) with visible chemistry.

The fight choreography was Rapid Fu done well and set in interesting scenes. An oiled up dude skating around beating ass was great, along with the acrobatics of the bus scene. This action inspired that in Transporter 2, which evidently Louis Leterrier took as a challenge to one up. He fuck’in 7 upped it! The bomb on the bottom of the car was knocked off with the crane? Jumping parking structure buildings? The sex kitten with twin Uzi’s that preferred to fight in her underwear and always ended up wet? Was Roger Moore in this, or Pierce Brosnan? It blew its action load early leaving us with a sappy story - Martin working out some paternal issues - and progressively more ridiculous stunts. Odd for Leterrier, since his Jet Li movie Unleashed - in which the actor actually, you know, acted - and his take on The Incredible Hulk this year were very good flicks. Too much brandy in his crepes perhaps.

The third one isn’t quite as good as the first but is easily better than part deux. Oliver Megaton didn’t bomb on this one by keeping it simple - for us stupids. Not that the first one was deep but there was a bit of complexity with what the real stakes were with Lai lying so much. The stakes were set out in the beginning and you forget them by action sequence two. Some of the camera usage was beginning to scare me, getting a bit Tony Scott in some scenes, but was well done if a bit on the choppy side of Rapid Fu. The sequences were well paced through and built well to a crescendo at the climax. Overtop, hell yeah. The key is get crazy near the end though. Never did it get ridiculous as in the previous incarnation.

Love interest 2 - let’s not count the kid in the first sequel - is damsel in distress Valentina (yeah, that’s the sexist pic she has), whom doesn’t compare to Shu Qi in looks or acting. Kind of like a Ukrainian girl next door that didn’t have that great between the legs camera shot that the Asian actress could pull off (if I could find the clip I’d link it, it’s after they swim from his burning house) but perceptive enough to get Frank minimalist lifestyle - insightful, I guess. François Berléand appears again as Martin’s only friend the French police inspector and actually does some detective work on his own to get to the bottom of things.

Overall a nice change of pace from the FX budget = good action flick paradigm. Transport yourself to the movies to check it out in 30 minutes, or get choked out with suit sleeves sucka!

I’m joined by Rib, Aaron and lovely Lira for a discussion of the action flick genre. Defining what makes a good action movie with time examples. Comparing directorial styles and admitting to classics we’ve yet to see. Rib hasn’t seen Star Wars … really … forgiveness is work. We conclude with a discussion of the big action flick of the week The Quantum of Solace and seek to discover who the second best Bond is.

Dominon Cast 16 download (67 mins, 61MB)span>

Music from the Autour d’Around by Oursvince

Sponsored by Steard’s Ginger Beer and Miller Genuine Draft, Aaron takes a Stand, Lira the Dream, Job gone & Hustle’in, Rib got Daytime TV.

The Training Day comprimise
Action is Drama, with guns, boobs, explosions and death
Strong Heroines
The Manly Movie type
The Everyday Hero
Pose Fu fights Rapid Fu
Birth of a Genre: The Last Dragon?
Hong Kong Classics
Bond’s Bonafides
Generations of James

A few months ago the trailer for Watchman dropped and every comic geek I know creamed themselves over what it promised: the grittiest most original comic movie in a generation of excellent films in the genre. So adoring was their relentless felatio, I had to check out the graphic novel for myself.

Was it clear that they were felating the advertisement - and not I? Had it been me, out of respect for their … fanatical gender-bending enthusiasm, I’d have finished it by now - instead of being on the last chapter - plus have written on it several times as well. Since this wasn’t the case (thankfully, glory holes are so impersonal) I’ll merely say that so far Watchman is interesting and I‘ll likely see the movie whenever it comes out.

I’m making you squeamish to make this point: I saw this trailer before the Quantum of Solace …

Yeah … I’ll let you Trekkies clean up after that nerdgasm. No shame. I’m typing this in a towel with my pants in the hamper and drinking green Gatorade - while pretending it‘s Aldebaran whisky.

Looks packed with action out the gills but the characterization of Kirk and Spock seems most intriguing. I’ve never really wondered how two opposite dudes could become such great buds. One a brash human that deserves a triple ass whup’in for destroying that vintage Corvette - or Mustang, I’m no motor head car geek - and the other a half alien recluse smart ass that’s stronger than you and three friends. The car can be forgiven since they don’t value money - but fuck, it‘s five-century-old mint! If the story line involves Kirk getting Spock laid through his first Pon Farr that could work but would be inanely sophomoric.

More than likely these tattooed bad guys (retro Klingons?) have driven the stakes so high both must bond over their duty to Starfleet and perhaps Captain Pike. Sylar is looking good as young Spock, but Zoe Saldana looks a little slender to be Uhura. I guess several more years of red bean cubes and yellow cornbread wedges could give her the signature thickness we‘ve come to expect from the first hot sistah on TV. Young Jimmy Kirk looks at bit too pretty for my tastes but fuck it - he’s just got to overreact and be awesome.

I’ve said I liked Cloverfield, and am not a fan of giant monsters that come from nowhere, the parasites they carry nor vomit inducing shaky handed camera operation. These Trek prequels look to overcome the issues Star Wars had: a leapt to conclusion fueled only by avid fan boy optimism. Abrams - or whoever the hell edited this trailer - did their job and I’m MANICALLY pumped for May 9th, 2009.

*swaps out Gatorade for Captain Morgan’s* Cheers!

Like Batman being remade from zero, so too is 007, and thankfully so. Brosnan may well be my favorite non-Connery Bond but his snarky Remington Steele style no longer fit’s these times of economic recessions and salient global threats - as opposed to diamond smuggling, nuclear Russian satellites and Grace Jones sex. An old franchise can only benefit from a fresh perspective and while Casino Royale brought that to Bond’s franchise, Quantum of Solace is nice continuation on this learning how to be an international badass amidst a Truly messed up world. It’s time for a fresh start.

Ironically, the beginning credits sequence of QS was my least favorite in a long time. “Another way to Die” was sung by Alicia Keys - whose voice doesn’t sound right singing rock - and Jack White whom to many can’t really sing despite being a good writer. Yet, White’s title and lyrics don’t really seem to go with the movies themes that much. Another way to die: shot, stabbed, drowned in oil, or making out with a giant dude with metal teeth; confirmed, there are a lot of ways to die in a Bond flick - the fuck else is new?

Chris Cornell’s “You know my Name” was perfect for Casino Royale - describing and animating the world of kill or be killed a new double 0 agent runs and guns through like a house of cards while killing poorly detailed goons along the way. My favorite of all the credit sequences being Cheryl Crow’s “Tomorrow never Dies”, which I’ll pop in the DVD just to hear and repeat several times. Still, points to Quantum’s opening for brining back the tastefully shadowed naked chicks.

Some have found the new Daniel Craig Jimmy B a bit too moody and perhaps even feminized. They may have a point since the super macho philanderous smirking killer Bond of the past being made into a determined man that’s still able to feel the job’s cost in terms of his own humanity is indeed feminine by comparison - the way a Walther PPK is girly compared to a Smith and Wessun 500. Notice though that the PPK will still kill you. It‘s not like James is keeping a tear-stained journal of his grievous sins and calling back the exotic chicks he shakes and stirs. Actually, he‘s more into the serious relationship - until the chick betrays your love for a world class asshole then dies from her own plotting and you‘ve got to make a second movie to come to terms with it (see Casino Royale).

Ok, he’s not keeping a diary, but his martini’s are being diluted with British tears - just don’t show me, please. He’s still learning how to seduce innocent women and inadvertently get them killed for the love of his big seven (one down so far in Solace).

The vicariously entertaining playboy of yester year is mostly gone. Bond is simply more realistic now, less dashing and more out cold. Villains are not inexplicably rich crackpots with crazy super devices of world destruction/domination. They’re businessmen taking advantage of culturally relevant catch phrases to seize power globally under the guise of helping the planet. I haven’t seen a fancy gadget in two movies now, and nor do I really miss them since we are in the Jack Bauer high skill needs little hardware paradigm of foreign policy. If Roger Moore would be tasked with hunting down Bin Lade, Craig’s Bond would be going after the head of Haliburton and maybe even a certain villainous Vice President of a former British colony - and I’m not talking about former Deputy Prime Minister of Canada A. Anne McLellan either, I said former colony.

Despite all this post-modernization, we still have enough good old-fashioned action in the Quantum of Solace. I think there’s a chase scene involving every mode of travel except skateboard and Chocobo - there was this Emu ranch scene … nah, I wish. The fight choreography was directed with the Jason Bourne style of Rapid fu and scenery was well implemented in the tension of the scenes. Fights on narrow Italian mountain roads, boat chases through high traffic ports, scaffolding duels - moody or not this is the most athletic stunt saturated Bond we’ve seen in a while. Also, like any great action movie the talky dialogue parts are sharp with enough gravitas to give weight to the central conflicts, therefore raising the stakes for the action.

See Quantum of Solace even if you have to trek across a desert to view it in a burning hotel.