How to Avoid Arrest
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Last week, Dr. Henry Louis Gates was arrested for disorderly conduct because he stuck up for his legal rights.
As another black intellect, I propose some tips to avoid this happening to you if you weren’t born Caucasian.
First some background:
Letterman-style top ten list of how to avoid being arrested like Dr. Gates.
#10 - Barricade your door, get out your guns and open fire on the police. Not the best solution but you won’t be arrested. There’s a reason why this is number 10.
#9 - If you’re famous through sports, always wear your jersey and carry atleast three products you endorse. We still look too much like each other for them to recognize. Ask Charles Barkly.
#8 - Wear your Harvard professor’s robe and mortar board hat at all times. Lamenate a copy of your diploma worn safety pinned to your robes if you’re going to leave the house.
#7 - If you’ve met Oprah and moved her to tears, like Gates did, keep her on speed dial! Those cops won’t have sex with any woman for a year!
#6 - Memorize the badge number when you can see it. Don’t ask the police for shit. Their job is to protect us, not serve us. … Wait a second!
#5 - Become famous through entertainment, not scholarship. This would’ve never happened to Chris Brown.
#4 - Don’t go to China unless you’re adopting. Always carry your Chinese child with ownership papers pinned to her jumper - or they’ll assume she’s a hostage. The concentrated cuteness of an Asian child can soothe the savage white person.
#3 - Tell them you were set up by O.J. They’re STILL mad about O.J.
#2 - Claim to be a cousin of President Obama. You probably are.
#1 - Catch Vitiligo. Although it never helped Michael Jackson.
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