Quick Thoughts on Slow Learners
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“Appearing on “The Tonight Show,” the president [Barack Obama] told host Jay Leno he’d been practicing at the White House’s bowling alley but wasn’t happy with his score of 129. Then he rolled a gutter ball by quipping: “It was like the Special Olympics or something.
“The audience laughed, but the White House quickly recognized the blunder. “
– TwinCities.com
So, the first quarter 2009 G. W. Bush Award for Socio-Political Stupidity goes to his otherwise smooth, caring and messianic successor Barack Obama. Some of you may feel crestfallen that your incarnation of the perfect leader has been tarnished by his own casual insensitivity. The cognitive dissonance is causing your mind to severely twist itself inside out like an ugly girl trying to get attention.
Before you burn your “Yes, We Can!” T-shirts or take a cheese grater to the Obama tattoo, da Dominion saves your peace of mind with this simple Truth: retardation is taken too seriously.
Does it take a special kind of loving person to care for special needs people? Yes. Do the developmentally disabled suffer horribly from their life-long affliction? Debatable. Ignorance is bliss, after all. As that poster from Tropic Thunder parodies, Hollywood has been collecting cash by the short busload on features imitating the lives of these special people. Not only are those with an ordinary intellect cast in these retarded roles - which seemingly receive far less controversy than Black face acting - they can often expect a lofty reward for the portrayal.
Biggest Offender: Forrest Gump. The movie won six Oscars, including Best Actor for Tom “Bosom Buddies“ Hanks, yet never really admitted that Forrest was a retard. Further, it criticized the cripple for their lack of faith by inferring that if they just TRY to run fast they’ll be cured. Some may posit that Gump wasn’t technically developmentally disabled. Bullshit! When Sally Fields has to fuck the principal - all night, in a hot southern summer night - to get you into mainstream school, you’re a special breed of dunderhead. Through disassociation with the stigmatized label, the movie robbed the slow community of an inspirational story of one of their own.
Actually, it didn’t. Forrest trips ass-backward into all sort of lucky happenstance without any ambition or real talent (outside of Ping-Pong) into his success. He runs really fast and long. Had he become the first differently-abled porn star THAT would be a fuckin’ movie to see!
My favorite movie of the type is Sling Blade, with Billy Bob Thornton writing, producing, directing and starring as the French fry enthusiast protagonist Karl Childers. Mm-Hm. Did he win his Oscar? Mm-Mm. It went to Geoffrey Rush that year for Shine cause deeply insane trumps dumb-dumb, Thornton was a nobody and it cost five times as much to make.
Thornton started us off with a pretty direct introduction to criminally retarded Childers, the most feared of the dim category, whom killed his mother and her lover with a Kaiser blade (which some folk call it a sling blade). Over the course of the story, we get to know him as a person, the drearily simple life he’s realistically relegated to, the love he has a human for his friends and the lengths he’d go to protect those he cares about - murder. The entire movie explains the first scene rather eloquently through writing and direction, not special effects and schmaltz.
It really was a far superior movie to Gump. I’ll present it for you here in its condensed form:
Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like the sharpened edge of a lawnmower blade for wife-beating child abusing assholes. Or, it should be.
I apologize to anyone I’ve offended with this article - for its content and big hard to sound out words - and will accept hate mail in crayon if email is too complex .
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