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First thing: get your filthy minds out of the gutter! Skeevy net pervs!

I’m talking about play by post (PbP). Role-playing games played on message board forums where the Storyteller and players interact in and out of narrative one post at a time. It is to tabletop role-playing with a group of friends, what a microwaved cantaloupe with a whole cut in it is to Salma. (Note: This metaphor made without empirical comparison).

The similarity is mainly do to the level of satisfaction, I’d sickly imagine. The verbal exchange of creative ideas is preserved, but slowed down by a factor of 1,440 - what takes a minute at the table takes a day in messaging. The usual gaming props of maps, character counters, and dice are still present, but the communication barriers of distance and time in PbP make supplemental questions of clarity slow things even more.

“Is that thing next to me a beetle?”
… 2 hours …
“Nope. It’s an Umber hulk. I‘ll post when I get back from work“… 10 hours later …
“Fuck! - I wouldn’t have walked up to that bastard! Can I redo my action?”
… 10 hours later …
“Nope. It’s attacking you. I‘ll email you the roll from the dice server and post if you‘re dead tomorrow. Just to save time, everyone email me the items you want to take from his corpse.”
“Shit! Where’s the Melon setting on my microwave?”

Unfun storytelling isn’t unique to this medium of gaming by far, but the waiting magnifies it. If this happens to you at the table you could flip it over, throw your dice in his face and cram the rolled up game master screen up his ass in a couple of minutes - police response time: 20 minutes, roughly. Even “quick” posting is a crippled earthworm crawl next to regular speech. This makes you the asshole left in suspense.

I’ve been the asshole as a player and as storyteller, waiting for numb nuts in the Pacific Time zone to tell me if he’s going into the door - and making the monster behind that door more terrible every minute. The best way I know to combat this in PbP is to make every single post you make a cliffhanger that begs a question “What the FUCK is happening?!”

I do admire in this in the board messages I read that have finished a story. When you don’t have to wait or check for updates, its pretty good fiction to read - or, makes you feel better about your writing/storytelling. It’s also good solution for conflicting schedules that allows folks to fit gaming back into their lives. Is it better than not playing at all: yes - but if you can voice chat over Skype or even text chat games are a better alternative.

Does anyone prefer PbP to live games?

More importantly, have you fucked a warm cantaloupe … I mean, Salma Hayek?

Part of being in your thirties is that advertisers are aiming at you so there a sea of media tailor made for you. Monday is nerd night for the big three networks featuring House, 24, Heroes, Big Bang Theory (lame), How I met your Mother and Chuck - all geared for us. That’s not even factoring the cable options - like The Princess Bride, Malcolm X, and the Transporter all on tonight, but if you haven’t seen those by now you deserve a Jason Statham grade ass whup’in.

Tonight, I choose Chuck - without 3D glasses. I see three dimensions everyday, and no presentation can surpass the best use of this optical effect shown in JAWS 3. You’d think such an obvious rip off of the 40-year-old Virgin starring a clone of Jim Halpert from the Office with a splash of Alias would suck, but remember all those things individually aren’t bad.

I like how Chuck (Zachary Levi) is a fish out of water that isn’t really hampered by his geekness because his challenges are worthy of international intrigue -anyone would get owned by a real ninja. Another asset is the cast outside of the hero and his love interest. Every character is uniquely funny from the past geek prime lush loser Jeff to super anti-nerd Devon to John Casey (a name with the same feel as Jane Cobb as is played by Adam Baldwin, whom played Serenity‘s Jane Cobb) being a shadow version of Chuck - a bad ass plunged into mediocrity for his cover.

Yvonne Strahovski’s agent Sarah Walker, Chuck’s protector/faux girlfriend/kinda crush, I’m not quite feeling. Oh, my eyes feel her. Even to the point of forgiving them for not dying her brunette to complete the proper effect of the Hutt bikini. The pathos of her mysterious background seems a bit out of place with the core comedy of this show. I do very much appreciate the professionalism of her character in not falling for Chuck - as though he were in her league - yet having a friendly appreciation for his naiveté.

I got to check out its competitor, Fox’s House one of these days. Is it too late to try to jump into fifth season? Does its drama with dark comic relief compare to Chuck’s reflection of comedy with dark tension? Speak Citizens.

The good news is that none of our favorite actors or artists have died. By now many readers are conditioned to read the “Decree” title conditioned stimulus and exhibit the conditioned response of feeling sad … or wonder at realizing the celebrity wasn’t dead already.

Well, John Updike has passed recently, but I can’t say I was a fan. Part of Michael Phelp’s image has died - gone up in smoke - but again not a big a fan. It’s hard to look up to someone younger and more popular than you that’s more accomplished in their field, which is just handling being in water well despite being a terrestial mammal. He shaves his legs too.

This is to announce that article updates will be slowing down a bit. Expect a fresh dose of ascerbic sensibilities and insane insight on entertainment Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays for the near future. Dominion Cast, with it’s improved format, will still be blasting at you on Fridays. On the off days, y’all can still follow me on Twitter and soon Site Seneschal Hunin will have the new Citizen Forums erected to be come engorged with input.

The reason for this slow down is frankly your failure at BUYING OUR SHIT. Yes, many - Hells naw - ALL of us are suffering under the ailing economy. Feeding your children and paying your bills (especially the internet fees that bring you here) must be priorities, but we have to blame somebody - and you didn’t object in the meeting we had.

Even just a comment or referral to friends - or recommendation to weirdo acquaintances to distract them from you - will aid in our noble mission of Truth telling, raising the bar on media standards and player hating. Feedbacks feeds us.

Check back later today for the regular Monday article.