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I hate marketing because it targets the superficial with flashy imagery and gets people to see a movie at least once. Someone looses one hour and thirty-two minutes, but that’s not an atrocity. What sucks is the number of people they get to spend just $15, which grows into millions if not billions of dollars that somehow communicates this is a good piece.

Actually, that’s idealistic. The mountain of money says, “People like these images, so lets sell them more no matter what thin narrative links them.” And so they do with gusto.

I thought Underworld was okay. Not an exemplar of the action genre, nor bad enough for me to advocate forced castration for writer/director Len Wiseman with a glowing hot Garden Weasel. The sequel was okay mainly cause Beckinsale was more naked in it and it continued an interesting story about the ancient Lycan/Vamp war - pitting our heroes against the first Vampire and Werewolf.

Underworld 3 is a prequel that fleshes out an expositional flashback in the first movie. If you knew this going in I really hoped you’d have told me before I went … Now I hate you.

Rhona Mitra, Beckinsale understudy, has a few combat scenes but without much of the eye-popping affects that the original established. In her defense, she wasn’t out of place with the other cast. Michael Sheen, playing the Lycan leader Lucian, didn’t get an Oscar nod for Frost/Nixon because of his involvement with this installment, if not this series, I‘m convinced.

When you do a prequel the aim is - or fucking should be - to add depth to established characters, especially since you know the gist of how things are going to go down. It’s one of the few successes of the Star Wars prequels. We learn more about Vader - though we make not like Whiney McSand pants. It was revealed in the original that Victor kills Sonja for getting knocked up by Lucian, whom then goes ape shit and frees the Lycans. This flick added nothing much more to the back-story Underworld gave us.

The big Black dude Lycan NEEDS an explanation for what he’s doing in Dark Ages Europe. The love between Sonja and Lucian needs to be clear and real enough to explain why they’d risk so much besides Full Moon Fever. Victor, master of the Vampires, is an asshole arrogant enough to beat the shit out his Lycan slaves tasked with guarding them while they slept during the day … when the moon is full? Brilliant.

The special effects were good but nothing we’ve never seen and it’s a let down made especially potent since really THIS IS THE ONLY REASON TO SEE THIS FLICK! Werewolves are much stronger than Vampires, but Vampires are faster and can use smarter tactics - you’d think. The climax was just werewolves jump the walls and chow down on Vampire.

Don’t rent this. Wait until you get insomnia and catch it on cable by accident three years from now. Assuming you aren’t pissed off by the shit storm Underworld 4 was when you saw it in the future … or remember me saying so here … linked to my review of it … that will be … then?

• Step Voltron Yeah, sure, we all know the Big 3 car companies fucked up, but that’s no reason to extend the resentment to the innocent car Voltron. It really isn’t. Over the past week some misguided friends and myself have been debating the merits of Voltrons. Automatically, when you think Voltron you......
• Dominion Designs - D20 Modern meets 4th Edition pt.1 Ever since the creation of D&D, players have been struggling to get the game out of that disgusting fantasy garbage setting and style. Swords, orcs and halflings - what about terrorists and mafia goons? Too vulgar for Tolkein I’m sure, the elitist! Traveler took players to the stars; Vampire let......

• Yuri Gutsatz meets Estee Lauder, the cosmetics maven One of the most interesting stories from Yuri Gutsatz' life is his meeting with Estee Lauder detailed here in both French and English. It was a little confusing for me to follow but suffice it to say that Estee Lauder had a mind of her own and threw it around......
• My Life as a Volunteer Tax Preparer - Week 5 Today was my fifth opportunity to assist mostly lower-income senior citizens with their federal income tax returns.  (I say "mostly" because one of my fellow volunteers showed me a return she prepared this week for a 20-something married (dink) couple with an $86k income.  I think if that pair had......