Da Dominion: Home of DOMINIONCAST!

Yeah, sure, we all know the Big 3 car companies fucked up, but that’s no reason to extend the resentment to the innocent car Voltron. It really isn’t.

Over the past week some misguided friends and myself have been debating the merits of Voltrons. Automatically, when you think Voltron you think of the five lions. They come out of their elemental themed dens to bite tanks, launch missles and eat space ships before the titanic robeast emerges. The lions formed Voltron by tucking in their legs, bending their necks and being violated by the black lion’s legs or sticking their tails into his chest. He breaks out the blazing sword and cuts monster du jour in half. Go Voltron Force! Although amazingly formulaic, no one is denying the coolness of Lion Voltron - but if you bring up Vehicle Voltron, other defender of the greater universe, people call you dumb to cover their own ignorance.

I realize the reason for this perception though, as long time readers will know, I do not forgive ignorance. In 1984, Voltron, a translation of the older Japanese series Beast King Golion, debuted. Two channels in the Detroit area vied for the afternoon cartoon audience - like the auto giants over government loans. On one was the newly imported and re-cut show titled Voltron, on the other was the American made original Transformers. It was a good day for kids who didn’t realize how Reganomic deregulation was imperiling their distant economic future.

After fifty-two episodes, Lion ran out of story. Transformers kept going strong. More toys than five Lions equals more money for more new shows. It was then that a new team was introduced by importing an Americanized version of the Japanese series Armor Fleet Dairugger 15 - known as Vehicle Voltron here. Kids immediately saw it as an attempt to compete with Transformers, and a lame one. “Car Voltron be bite’ in,” they’d declare in the parlance of the time, then drop into a backspin on a piece of cardboard to vent their displeasure into break dancing. Although this was planned by Toei Animation, changing casts in a series is never appreciated, Robotech merged three series into generational sagas to mitigate this continuity breaking, but few even gave these heroes of the Near Universe a chance.

I gave it look-see and liked what I saw. Fuck a castle; they had a whole carrier to transport them to different planets, with alien terrain - and aliens. Three teams of five vehicles explored the land, seas and air of these new worlds; they often bordered the territory of an evil star empire (bad guys). Strategies were planned to save the worlds after first contact was established, much more often than not armadas were sent in. These exploration sci-fi themes grabbed my interest greatly. More than lion Voltron that patrolled one damn planet, or even Transformers that fought in rural Colorado defending power stations from hungry Decepticons. Kids like structure and predictability, whatever - I liked new shit.

The cast was pretty well rounded out among Aqua, Turbo Terrain and Strato Teams without the need for silly space mice, the only friends of the severely neglected Princess of Arus - her abandonment issues the source of blue balls for black lion’s Keith many times. Robeasts, despite a time again failed strategy, were faced too necessitating that they form a 15 piece Voltron bristling with weapons, including twin chakrams that would be joined to form their katana like blazing sword. All of the fun of Voltron with a little Star Trek tossed in.

That wasn’t cool? No? Well we’ve got a Voltron Fan Panel to air your opinions on this. Come by and get schooled.

Some of the best, worst and weirdest Reality TV has to offer. Rib, Lira and Aaron (Mr. Wizard the Spider Baby) give our favorities and comment on those we hate. Celebs also get a bit of attention be they big screen icons, little folks or regular people made famous by the camera. Perhaps the most ridiculously silly Cast yet. If any one part offends, remember our endorsement:

Dominion Cast 18 download (61 mins, 56MB)

Music from Inspiration by Serphonic
How real is Real
Execution with Flavor
Aaron’s Amazing Race
Little or Dwarf … ore miner?
Rib’s Mystery
Lira: Chocolate Geek
Jack the Ripping Chef
Psycho Stars
Ruby and Miss Ruby
Mini Me in Me
No FUCK’IN Deal
Apologies to All

Despite the overblown gimmicky action ride - and practice session for Crank - that was Transporter 2, I decided to give the franchise a new break by seeing Transporter 3: There in 30 seconds, or I’ll kick your ass! Not the actual tagline, yet apparently one of Frank Martin’s (Jason Statham) many unspoken rules. Rule one: touch my suit and I’ll kill you with it. That’s the only spoiler I’ll be giving, read on.

The first in the series, aptly named Transporter because putting the number one in the title would be a bit presumptuous, was just excellent. We never see the mercenary wheelman - let alone one that ’s machine accurate and by book played to cool effect. From 30-year Hong Kong veteran director Corey Yuen, you be surprised … if you’d heard of him before, unlike me. His other movies read like a list of entrees on the menu of China Star Number One Golden Egg Roll Palace, but are harshly distinct single words when translated, like The Doctor, Bartender and Cameo. Shu Qi was a sexy handful Martin could barely mange with a heart of gold and mouth of lies (here name too, Lai) with visible chemistry.

The fight choreography was Rapid Fu done well and set in interesting scenes. An oiled up dude skating around beating ass was great, along with the acrobatics of the bus scene. This action inspired that in Transporter 2, which evidently Louis Leterrier took as a challenge to one up. He fuck’in 7 upped it! The bomb on the bottom of the car was knocked off with the crane? Jumping parking structure buildings? The sex kitten with twin Uzi’s that preferred to fight in her underwear and always ended up wet? Was Roger Moore in this, or Pierce Brosnan? It blew its action load early leaving us with a sappy story - Martin working out some paternal issues - and progressively more ridiculous stunts. Odd for Leterrier, since his Jet Li movie Unleashed - in which the actor actually, you know, acted - and his take on The Incredible Hulk this year were very good flicks. Too much brandy in his crepes perhaps.

The third one isn’t quite as good as the first but is easily better than part deux. Oliver Megaton didn’t bomb on this one by keeping it simple - for us stupids. Not that the first one was deep but there was a bit of complexity with what the real stakes were with Lai lying so much. The stakes were set out in the beginning and you forget them by action sequence two. Some of the camera usage was beginning to scare me, getting a bit Tony Scott in some scenes, but was well done if a bit on the choppy side of Rapid Fu. The sequences were well paced through and built well to a crescendo at the climax. Overtop, hell yeah. The key is get crazy near the end though. Never did it get ridiculous as in the previous incarnation.

Love interest 2 - let’s not count the kid in the first sequel - is damsel in distress Valentina (yeah, that’s the sexist pic she has), whom doesn’t compare to Shu Qi in looks or acting. Kind of like a Ukrainian girl next door that didn’t have that great between the legs camera shot that the Asian actress could pull off (if I could find the clip I’d link it, it’s after they swim from his burning house) but perceptive enough to get Frank minimalist lifestyle - insightful, I guess. François Berléand appears again as Martin’s only friend the French police inspector and actually does some detective work on his own to get to the bottom of things.

Overall a nice change of pace from the FX budget = good action flick paradigm. Transport yourself to the movies to check it out in 30 minutes, or get choked out with suit sleeves sucka!

Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew is probably the reality show I respect most.

It’s real. Some beleive it’s a D list celebrity’s chance to make a come back, but very often they seek to reinvent themselves in the show and leave entertainment - often a pathological way to get the attention or acceptance they lacked as a child. It’s possible that the show could be a grand interview for some spin off serious about their new life: “Gary Busey: The Straight and Narrow”. Until I see a show like that, I’ve got to give it props. I hesitate to even write on it given by distaste for celebrity drama and it’s almost documentary like quality.

It’s disturbing. A super model shaking on the ground in the throws of detoxing isn’t pretty. A pornstar completely removed from her sexuality reveals the false image for what it is. Dr. Pinsky and staff whittle these people down to their core essence beneath all the bullshit, bravado, botox and boobs. Big names made little people for their struggles to fill the gaping voids in their souls with other things besides drink, pills and powder. It’s a fascinating process that led me to study Clinical Psychology, which is likely why I find it so hard to laugh at it like many others.

I find it touching … but this is a humor blog so we’ll have to outsource the humor to those dregs at Mad TV:

Last Saturday I played in a game of Dark Conspiracy, a horror RPG set in a stygian near future that could be imagined to be the US after two more Bush terms.

The chilling mystery the party was involved in appeared to be a conspiracy to corner the boneless chicken market by adding a chemical to the feed that liquefied bones once exposed to certain radiation. Really.

There were also contaminated wild dogs that prowled the facilities fence poaching a few of the free-range birds. The dogs were basically regular dogs that became puddles of fur when killed - as they all were handily with standard issue shotguns. After securing some chemical reactants to the de-bone goop, a sample of contaminated chicken - with a biscuit and a side of slaw - and a swab of one of the alien’s … juices, we fled on ATVs without pursuit and fulfilled the minimum requirements of the mission.

Yeah, the game had some problems.

Before you laugh too hard, ridiculing reader, keep in mind that this GM only runs occasionally, not with our group in a while and is preparing to finish his doctorate. Many of you suck on a regular basis. Instead of picking apart this game with the cruel humor I routinely wield, let’s offer an ounce of prevention - the first hit is free.

What’s a GM to do? You’re the GM so you’re the storyteller, and storytellers are performers and performers work to elicit a reaction from their audience (the four to eight lazy fucks sitting around the table.) THAT LITTLE BITCH ANNE FRANK GOT WHAT SHE HAD COMING!! You had a reaction to that, hopefully negative, but you had a reaction. It’s simply a matter of evoking the desired feeling for the right setting. Horror: curiosity grotesquely building into fear. Action: a situation getting more and more fucked up. Intrigue: paranoia about relationships getting more and more fucked up and perhaps leading to … Action?!?

How’s the audience? Weeping, after catching a nice thick game book’s bound edge to the corner of their eye for not paying attention. You’re not a TV! TV actors get paid an assload! The most satisfying solution, but not the most effective. Check out each and everyone of your players - if they aren’t listening to what you’re saying or pondering what you just said, you’re not engaging them. Ask them to roll a check for something and if they roll well give them a hint of what’s going on beneath the surface, or a foreshadow of what may come. If they roll bad over describe something at let them wonder. Can’t come up with anything on the spot? Ask them something that makes them look at their character sheet. Don’t get caught up in any one player that may be super interested. It’s not an orgy, but all should be involved.

What’s going on? Given the definition of universe, characters are always somewhere. Define this nook of existence. They can’t see it, but you can and should relay it to them. Give a sentence each for every passive sense: sight, sound, taste/smell and feel in that order. Paint an image: “You hit him for 6 damage” or “Your blade draws a red ribbon of blood across his bicep, but he grunts with exertion whipping the wounded side away to jerk his own weapon forward”. Verb choice is key, although key is an adjective in this sentence.

This a style that works best for me, you - sadly - are not me. If you’re visual, watch a movie or TV show of the genre you run and pay attention to what the camera shows when. If you’re auditory, read a section of fiction that you’ve enjoyed. Listen to which words move you and how they form an image.

Every player you drive to MMO’s is one glob of spit on Gygax’s grave.