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Last Saturday I played in a game of Dark Conspiracy, a horror RPG set in a stygian near future that could be imagined to be the US after two more Bush terms.

The chilling mystery the party was involved in appeared to be a conspiracy to corner the boneless chicken market by adding a chemical to the feed that liquefied bones once exposed to certain radiation. Really.

There were also contaminated wild dogs that prowled the facilities fence poaching a few of the free-range birds. The dogs were basically regular dogs that became puddles of fur when killed - as they all were handily with standard issue shotguns. After securing some chemical reactants to the de-bone goop, a sample of contaminated chicken - with a biscuit and a side of slaw - and a swab of one of the alien’s … juices, we fled on ATVs without pursuit and fulfilled the minimum requirements of the mission.

Yeah, the game had some problems.

Before you laugh too hard, ridiculing reader, keep in mind that this GM only runs occasionally, not with our group in a while and is preparing to finish his doctorate. Many of you suck on a regular basis. Instead of picking apart this game with the cruel humor I routinely wield, let’s offer an ounce of prevention - the first hit is free.

What’s a GM to do? You’re the GM so you’re the storyteller, and storytellers are performers and performers work to elicit a reaction from their audience (the four to eight lazy fucks sitting around the table.) THAT LITTLE BITCH ANNE FRANK GOT WHAT SHE HAD COMING!! You had a reaction to that, hopefully negative, but you had a reaction. It’s simply a matter of evoking the desired feeling for the right setting. Horror: curiosity grotesquely building into fear. Action: a situation getting more and more fucked up. Intrigue: paranoia about relationships getting more and more fucked up and perhaps leading to … Action?!?

How’s the audience? Weeping, after catching a nice thick game book’s bound edge to the corner of their eye for not paying attention. You’re not a TV! TV actors get paid an assload! The most satisfying solution, but not the most effective. Check out each and everyone of your players - if they aren’t listening to what you’re saying or pondering what you just said, you’re not engaging them. Ask them to roll a check for something and if they roll well give them a hint of what’s going on beneath the surface, or a foreshadow of what may come. If they roll bad over describe something at let them wonder. Can’t come up with anything on the spot? Ask them something that makes them look at their character sheet. Don’t get caught up in any one player that may be super interested. It’s not an orgy, but all should be involved.

What’s going on? Given the definition of universe, characters are always somewhere. Define this nook of existence. They can’t see it, but you can and should relay it to them. Give a sentence each for every passive sense: sight, sound, taste/smell and feel in that order. Paint an image: “You hit him for 6 damage” or “Your blade draws a red ribbon of blood across his bicep, but he grunts with exertion whipping the wounded side away to jerk his own weapon forward”. Verb choice is key, although key is an adjective in this sentence.

This a style that works best for me, you - sadly - are not me. If you’re visual, watch a movie or TV show of the genre you run and pay attention to what the camera shows when. If you’re auditory, read a section of fiction that you’ve enjoyed. Listen to which words move you and how they form an image.

Every player you drive to MMO’s is one glob of spit on Gygax’s grave.

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