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I would do an ordinary “Best Bond” list survey, but we all know it’s fuck’in Sean Connery.

It’s not? Do you feel numbness on the left side of your body? Taste copper? A picture of Roger Moore gives you severe priapism? Don’t vote, see a doctor … a specialist.

The rest of you, choose the Bond actor that best carries on the 007 tradition in “schmooth Connaree fashun”:

George Lazenby

Roger Moore

Timothy Dalton

Pierce Brosnan

Vote here

Bond purists will ask about David Niven, from his portrayl of the old ass original Sir James Bond in Casino Royale. The 1967 version IS NOT a James Bond movie - but a satirical spoof of a Ian Fleming novel. Peter Sellers walked out on it, his opinion is good enough for me.

Daniel Craig is too immature to be considered. This Saturday I’ll be seeing the uber anticipated Quantum of Solace for review on Monday. I don’t read non-Dominion approved reviews - especially early ones, but just the title has me amped. If not the codename for some gimmicky McGuffin, Quantum of Solace means when broken down something akin to “the smallest possible measure of peace.”

I’ve been abstaining from caffiene all week to prevent getting ejected from the theatre for rock’in a nerdgasm. I’ll grab extra snack counter napkins just in case.

Some of you may have never seen a blog before and just happened on da Dominion by googling “Madonna grape ass drink Milf Carlin tits” - some of our most commonly hit search terms. Don’t worry. Here is how to handle this experience:

1. Choose a topic you’re interested in from the tag cloud in the top middle of this page. Your cursor on the edge of the sphere will rotate the abundance of topics available. 

Read the articles that come up and click the links to get a visual illustration of the humor contained there in (this is where the “tits” hits come from). Remain apathetic, Smile/frown, chuckle/growl, laugh/curse, ejaculate/throw your laptop across the room as you feel apporpriate.

Did you like what you read? Yes, go to 2. No, go to 6.

2. Read more using the the instructions in point 1.

Are you tired of reading (unlikely)? Yes, go to 3. No, go to 2.

3. Are you poor? Yes, go to 4. No, go to 5.

4. Click on comments and give some feedback. We, da Dominion, are fueled by validation and will be encouraged to post more in the future. Your contact information will be sold to spammers to compensate for your inability to pay. The preceeding statement was sarcasm. Too subtle? Say so in comments. Consider 4 a & b.

4a. Lonely - beyond that which can be soothed by porn, junk food or prostitution? Click on the Network tab above and join our Dominion. It is a place where your geekiness will be fostered and no one will blatantly laugh at your shut in like appearance resulting from extreme nerdity. Remember the chick in the red shirt from the first link, she could be there …

4b. Have a few friends? Even if they’re only “friends” in the myspace sense - dangerous strangers waiting to sabotage your persona from a cowardly distance - click the Share this Post bar and e-mail an article to them. The more that come to visit the site the more we can charge those immoral coprorate money grubbers whom can fatten us with spoils for ads. Diggs and Stumble’s are welcomed.

5. Visit our store and buy something you like, are interested in or don’t need to show gratitude for our efforts. Indecisive, not what you want in stock? DONATE. The internetzes needs your support.

Are you a cheap fuck? Yes, go to 4. No, BUY SOMETHING … or … DONATE

6. Click comment and tell us what your issues are. We need varied viewpoints to derive a concensus of Truth and can use your contact information to track you down and … correct your misperceptions.

Don’t even feel like commenting? Click here.

Against the prevailing wisdom of her family, a young woman of 22 named Flora began to date her 80-ish college professor, Truman Packed. Over a shared appreciation for botany, their loved blossomed. The two courted for several months, planting the seeds of romance, but upon trying to reap fruit from their mutual passion it was found - due to advanced years - Packed’s withered stalk wouldn’t rise.

An old friend from the biology department, Dr. Hardamon, suggested a experimental surgery to help his colleague. Muscles from the trunk of an elephant would be grafted on to his member to stimulate better circulation in his situation. Desperate to keep his beautiful love, Truman agreed. The operation went well; the gamble paid off. Long anticipation exploded in a gloriously ecstatic union, that could only result in Professor’s Paked’s proposal to his sweet flower - and it’s grateful acceptance. An somewhat traditional gentleman, Truman insisted the next consumation would only be made with her as his bride.

At the family dinner before the wedding, Flora let temptation get a hold of her - as she secretly took hold of Truman’s triumph under the table. Little cousin Eddie offered a plate of potatoes to the groom-to-be when suddenly a wrinkled grey dick shot up from the professor’s lap, wrapped around a spud and shot just as quick out of sight!!! Flora recoiled in fright as Eddie grasped his fork for protection.

The frivolity at the table turned to shocked wonder. After a few moments, Flora’s mother found the courage to speak.
“Professor, … I didn’t quite … catch that. Could you … do it again?”

Old Packed shifted uncomfortably in his seat, then shyly admited to all,
“I would, madame. But, I’m afraid, I don’t have room in my ass for another baked potato.”

I guess executive order number one of our prez-elect was, “Get some moe Brothas on da TV!” since we Obamans now have the embarrassment of riches that is this two new Black comics with shows - and not even on BET!!!

“We shall oh-ver-cuh-uh-um”

First is David Allen Grier’s Chocolate News on Comedy Central, basically another skit show that will fail to fill the gap left by Chappelle. Grier (DAG - like RDA, but Black and UN-awesome) was never one of my favorites on In Living Color like Damon Wayans, Jim Carrey or Jamie Foxx. Despite being a homie from Detroit, he’s from East Detroit, the Dominion is West side. Yes, it’s not just something rappers bark about in their songs - there‘s a subtle cultural difference: they wack . His all weather character fallback is what I call the Original recipe Negro, aka Fred Sanford the junk dealer and all his greasy old sidekicks like Grady and Bubba. When not doing heart attack or diabetes jokes in this guise, he’s in chickenhead drag.

Even in his commentator role he‘s still audaciously Blacktifide times two:

Shouting mostly urban-accented valid opinions interspersed with unnecessary swearing and feigned indignation = real Black comedy, GODDAMNIT! With the South Park lead in on Wednesdays, he’ll make it as long as Mind of Mencia maybe. To be an independent success, I’d start looking for a more ensemble cast. All his old friends are beyond this show, but Tommy Lee Davison is available - or dead. I don‘t know; who‘s seen him lately?

D. L. Hughley Breaks the News is the other show I refer to. One of my favorite Kings of Comedy that is sadly not allowed to be a comedian. His new role is funny CNN pundit show host looking at current events through the eyes of our community - like a Bill Maher that dates fewer Black women and smokes less weed. Unlike DAG, Hughley is more than ready for this role: One sitcom, many appearances on news shows, protested over the Imus affair, guest of the Late Late Show many times before they outsourced the hosting to Scotland, host SOB the most respectable show on BET, being on the cast of an Aaron Sorkin show alone counts as a B.A. in Poli-Sci from Columbia.

He’s a good host on a passable news show:

Looking for the satirical superiority of Stewart and Colbert or the cute witr of Rachel Maddow, CNN is going for it’s own uppity version of Chocolate News. The main issue is that the show tries to be funny with bits that go over only half the time, if you feel ticklish … And generous.  D.L. can work clean but I get the feeling that Hughley hasn’t quite gelled with his writing staff yet. A sketch with George Washington being told a black was now President was more drab than Tatooine (colorful humor). Only time can tell for Hughley, but as a more Coq au Vin recipe Obaman - bourgeois to the Original recipe, actually “booshee” so they can unnerstan - I’m hopeful for some African-American intellect to be showcased. From his choice of guests, he’s on the right track.

Can we vote for real change in our country? Yes we can. Can we get comical insight and/or insightful comedy from our community on mainstream TV? Uh… maybe?

Another five months, another Futurama movie - at this rate we’ll have the much demanded fifth season in four months. Perhaps, Fox will resurrect the show a la Family Guy to the cacophonous cheers of geekdom. This can be great, or merely … nice, depending on the quality delivered.

Bender’s Game’s says what it is on the box: a sci-fi favorite diving into fantasy for a hilarious romp through a D&D-esque world. First they guest star Gary “Lord of Nerds” Gygax in the series, now they pay full homage to his memory by glorifying his life’s work. Double-decker Win cake with a gooey filling of awesome sauce, right? This story however doesn’t really start until half way through the feature.

The first sixty-odd minutes features a main plot about battling the domination of the mega mogul Mom with a B story about Leela’s anger issues and a tertiary bit about Bender exploring his new imagination thorough an old school tabletop fantasy game. Does this sound like the description you’d expect given the box art and advertising blurbs? No? Then you understand the DEEP INNER EAR ITCH ANNOYANCE I was beginning to develop for the movie.

“Movie“: your pardon citizens, this is not a True account of this third installment. It is a pair of long episodes stapled together. Notice “long“, not epic. Epic stories are generally good over a sizable duration, while long shows make the duration acute. Bender’s Game didn’t drag on however. It just feels that way as you wonder whether or not you grabbed the right movie off the DVD shelf - “Is this an old episode I missed?” Half way through the intertwined stories reverse priority and you get what you came for, but I was actually expecting a bit more role playing in-jokes or Futurama trademark satire.

The writers Groening and Cohen (the series creator and lead series crafter) seem unwilling to commit to the fantasy tale promised, and when they do get to it the writing begins to feel rushed - like when you’re tired from work but need to write an article Friday night because technical issues prevented you from posting a new Dominion Cast episode and you’re hoping your regular readers don’t mind, but since they’re mostly silent anyway why the fuck not?

The jokes were decent but not really what you’d expect for having waited for a new Futurama joint. Some gags were set up chuckle worthy to be called back upon funny later, than less the next time, then tired when referred to a third time. Many punch lines were ironically beaten to death. Most were hit and miss but the whole thing is overall funny for the sheer volume of jokes written in. There’s was one scene with “Morcs” that was brilliantly funny for it’s non sequitar feel - the inability to see a gag coming was a hallmark of the Groening brand and now too sparse. It’s almost as though they had to remember the feel of Futurama.

Despite this, the third feature was overall funny and definitely rent worthy, purchase worthy to complete the set - but you could stand to wait for a discounted gift set with all the movies.