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Now that I have your attention …

Making porn is perhaps a lost art these days as, given the publishing powers of Web 2.0, anyone can, and often has made one. Place recording camera phone at foot of bed, fuck on same bed, done. Not my favorite angle by far - too high a ratio of balls and man ass to lady parts - but that’s just a demonstration of the simplicity. You could say Pam Anderson’s old Playboy pictorial tapes were porn, but they really aren’t grandpa. Nowadays, with out at least a midget, one piece of latex clothing, more than 5 participants or a modified hydraulic piston with or without remote control it’s not really a porn.

This is more porn talk than was in Zack and Miri make a Porno, the latest View Askew Kevin Smith flick. You’d think a short, fat geek that’s made a career writing ridiculously profane yet oddly insightful movies would produce a more uproarious comedy. Or, maybe you wouldn’t. The writer/director has said in his Evening with Kevin Smith lecturers that he essentially hangs out with his kid bumming around until a bill comes up, and then he writes a movie. This is the first flick from him that I can see he wasn’t fucking kidding - not that I really doubted it, look at him! That obese, that inactive and a smoker, I’d be very careful what my last movie would be (coming from a place of loving concern - not jealousy).

Not as much of an homage to smut as you’d think.

Zack and Miri (the ubiquitous Liz Banks) start off as life long friends that live together in a slacker lifestyle of just above poverty. At a class reunion, Zack (Seth Rogan, no pic link needed you‘ve seen the fuzzy bastard enough) learns from a gay porn actor what a nice business it is. The man handler is played by Justin Long - straight guy Mac in the ads but with a waxed USB port in this - and is maybe the funniest performance in the movie at the 30-minute mark. Z&M decide to make a classic spoof of Star Wars - Star Whores - but the set is destroyed as a twist and jip to every geek in the audience that would pay triple to see porn like this made by Kevin Smith. All the while they squeamishly tip toe around the threat to their friendship this entails, but play it casual.

This is my main problem with the story. You’ve been friends with a chick for decades and NEVER try to spark it off despite being attractive enough to fuck chicks of comparable attractiveness - as Seth Rogen is apparently given his romantic opposites. If I believe you could fuck Kate Heigl, you can definitely get Liz Banks - maybe as a side dish. Zack is essentially Cal in 40-year-old Virgin, where he did fuck Liz’s character at the end. It’s not like Zack is a too shy nerd - he asks a jealous married chick for hand job, and gets one!

Would be more believable and interesting if they were an ex-couple that stayed close and had their attraction rekindled. It would have been more satisfying too if they finished the porn and ended their problems instead of turning into an awkward romantic comedy that made zero plot progress. Seeing a bit more nudity would’ve been a plus, but all we get are Katie Morgan’s tits (which can see all day on her porn star site) and Jason Mewes’ ass (that can be seen in virtually every Kevin Smith movie, if he‘s your type). Mewes himself was funny, as was Craig Robinson from the Office and other recent comedy flicks. A lot of the jokes where telegraphed scenes ahead so when Randal from Clerks get’s shit on filming an anal scene with a constipated Katie - it’s no big shocker. Oh yeah, spoiler alert.

That said, there’s a good deal of funny dialogue that is trademark Smith. Zack speaks with unabashed crass honesty and Miri calls him gross but does the same with enough beers. You’ll laugh a few times but could wait until it comes out on Netflix. Unless you’re such a diehard gay for Kev fan boy that this entire article somehow proves I’m a cocksmoker, then by all means ignore this review.

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