Nation versus Dominion
I am America (and So can You!) by Stephen Colbert is hereby declared a tacit declaration of war against this our Dominion!
After trying to lure citizens into a false sense of connection with his admonishment of reading - a sentiment we can fully agree with as evidenced by several redundant articles, hypocritically written on this blog - Colbert salutes those listening by audio book. He himself dictated this piece by shouting into a tape recording over a weekend - like how Lucas “wrote” the prequels. Only those that bought the book are “heroes” however - not borrowers like myself. It’s claimed not be found in “freeloading libraries”, but that is where I found it. Evidently, the Colbert Nation contains Dominion sympathizers undermining this dictator, and a lofty title will be given to defectors that bring me the bastard’s glasses - which I will clean with sandpapper.
The book is like a multi-hour Colbert Report radio show. This is evidence to the far right crackpottery of his message given that not even conservative radio can stomach his … guff (sorry for the strong language). Besides his voice, there are “Stephen speaks for Me” interludes with supposed testimonials from people that agree with the Colbert Doctrine. I recognize these voices to be various comedic actors, some of them being co-stars with him on the docu-drama Strangers with Candy!
One of them, his name not credited, sounds like Jon Stewart portraying a Rat Pack era communist comic. That he would cunningly defame his mentor and former boss, whom is a Dominion-approved paragon of pseudo-journalism, shows the depth of betrayal the pundit will stoop to. One of the voices is allegedly a pro-meat industry cow, but the tone of voice, accent and ability to speak obviously indicate a human female is the speaker. LIAR!
Opening the book with the foundation of society, the family, he immediately begins the exclusion other integral members to our culture. Old people get a separate chapter, not treated as part of the family. We in the Dominion love … respect … suffer in an obligatory fashion our living ancestors and think they can be of greater value than being posted as border wardens keeping illegals off of America’s lawn. Yes, they do prefer arid southwest environs; but damn it, they’ve served our country in keeping out the immigrants for decades past - and look at the great job they’ve done. Animals, including pets, are kept out of the family and should be dominated out of species superiority lest they gain the upper hand on humanity. We concede to him the Truth of this point. Part one concludes with a discussion of religion, in which Judeo-Christian tradition is equated to Sears and Roebuck - with the Jews being the Roebuck. I find this inference that Zionists are the silent partners of American hegemony shocking and unfounded - especially if any lawyers are reading. Being part Jewish himself, Colbert takes the self-hating Jewish person meme to its highest levels with his proclaimed Catholicism. He then systematically defames all other religions to cement the facade.
The second part of the book cover American adolescence, based on the author’s own experiences and very indicative of his mis-educated upbringing. His tips on dating fall just this side of caveman bludgeoning of mates - a practice he does NOT specifically denounce. “Would you like to go out on a date and potentially quit your job to raise my children” is not an effective dating icebreaker in my experience. Nor should you dominate conversations by talking three quarters of the time, it’s rude and ineffective. Your conversational allowance should be simply affirming her claims and asking open-ended questions to discover more of her ideas. Don’t be distracted with disagreement, her X chromosome is four times the size of your Y - which stands for “You’re probably wrong”, women respect this attitude.
His views on sports are hauntingly similar to those of your Dominus: athletes perform for enjoyment; therefore performance-enhancing drugs are enjoyment enhancing. However, his blanket discouragement of woman’s sports makes no exemption for beach volleyball or tennis- expressing his misogynistic latent homosexuality. He describes being gay as a personal insurgency fought daily in your loins, so he’s obviously not latent - proving the Dominion stance on homophobia being an affliction of the self-suppressors. Now go enjoy Brokeback Mountain as I have, unless…
The third part is a crescendo of outrage. Colbert attacks every media outlet not Comedy Central with outrageous claims like CSPAN glamorizes big government by showing how it works and that it sometimes does. He then goes into class warfare, taunting the downtrodden for not exploiting America’s many metaphorical means of success, and decrying the tautness of his own bootstraps from overuse. We of different races, whom he’s he trained himself to ignore, should wrap ourselves in bandages to emulate the white bandage of skin God gave Caucasians to protect them from racism. Some have pioneered this trend.
Most band-aids, the cheapest and most plentiful bandage type, are manila like Asian skin. Shouldn’t non-Asian do this then, since they are the statistically average humans and there’s not enough gauze to cover all of them - nor black electrical tape? The NBA is held up as being an example of Affirmative Action run amok, and ridiculously he’s not talking about the Slavic players. All this despite being in a mixed race marriage himself: he’s Irish Catholic and his wife is Scottish Presbyterian. Immigrants like his ancestors were the “right type” because they completely forgot their heritage, unlike the current wave that isn’t assimilating according to him.
Shameful. The Dominion approves of the cultural migration of any ethnicity that brings its daughters with them. The genetic diversity this affords is not only healthier, but results in interesting looking grandchildren. There were Scottish farmers in the 16th century that would find me … fascinating and I can only dream of my Creole-Mestizo cyber-samurai descendants. How dare he try to rob me of that AWESOMENESS to come!!!
So, in summation, this is the worst self help book I’ve ever read. The hardcover should be cut into cubic eighths, marinated in vinegar and feed to the author with a side of laxatives. However, if the content is viewed as satirical comedy, it’s genius. Dominion Cast 2 shows we have problems with satire, so you are left to decide for yourself.
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