Da Dominion: Home of DOMINIONCAST!

Why the hell aren’t The Venture Brothers more popular? It’s one of my favorite animated series out there and by far the leader of the Adult Swim line up. One of their anime series may get more viewers but that’s a large niche audience: dudes that want to have a photo-induced seizure while
masturbating.

We could find volumes written on marketing and programming placement and advertising, but you don’t want to read my regurgitated research and I don’t want to read what I‘d have to research. Anecdotal comparison - this is the way of comedic/lazy analysis.

IGN.com rated the top 25 primetime animated series of all time, which sounds grandiose if you forget that most of these shows are younger than the Simpsons - itself old enough to vote and screw on camera but can’t legally enjoy a bottle of Molson XXX, but sneaking Natty Lightcause it‘s cheap. Why IGN? Their geek cred is adamantine - and one of their writers would reference adamantium if they wrote that, elevating the dorkdom to vibraniumic. Many of their list are so ancient as to be culturally ingrained or completely different from the Ventures’ genre of comedy.

Old timers get excluded first, cause they’ve had decades of syndication to be awesome and feed off nostalgia like a 60-something fan boy off Ovaltine. The Jetsons are #25, about where I’d rate it as basically being the groundbreaking Flintstones in technological reverse. Points for vision though as houses for the upper middle and higher classes will likely be built on miles tall platforms to avoid the pollution, flodded landscape and minorities never shown. #3 is the Flintstones, deservedly so for being the pioneer of the cartoons for adults that aren’t pornographic genre. Just because many of its fans are dead or dying now -from their cigarette sponsers or natural causes -doesn’t detract from it’s past popularity.

Then there’s Johnny Quest at #20, one spot beneath its spoofing grandchild The Venture Brothers. I can kind of understand this since it’s so old, but can think of many better animated shows of it’s ilk like Scooby Doo (unmentioned) and it only went for one season.There are other non-comedic action series mentioned, like Samurai Jack, Star Wars Clone Wars (Samurai Jedi), Justice League (when Flash isn’t featured) and Aeon Flux (a sci-fi Euro-themed ninja porn acid trip). Though Venture does include action it’s of a decidedly comical bent (Monarch’s winged henchmen taking out attack jets by clogging the intakes with their corpses) and non-heroic (within the fictional world of the show heroes and villains are termed “protagonists” and “antagonists” for political correctness).

It’s like comparing Maxwell Smart to James Bond or Barney Fife to Vic Mackey or Grey’s Anatomy to any other medical drama in the history of television.

This leaves us with a revamped list of Venture’s direct categorical competitors ordered by IGN:
13. The Venture Bros.
12. Powerpuff Girls
11. Spongebob Squarepants
10. King of the Hill
9. Space Ghost: Coast-to-Coast
8. Home Movies
7. The Critic
6. Ren and Stimpy
5. Family Guy
4. Beavis and Butthead
3. Futurama
2. South Park
1. The Simpsons

Now that we have the enemies of Team Venture lined up, the blood shed can commence with a Patrick Warburton bellowed howl in Part Two.

Despite the great power I wield as Dominus, I can not absolve you of your sins. I could absolve you but whether or not it takes isn’t up to me, and by the time you test this out it’s too late. You’re in Hell, burning with a pitchfork up your ass playing Sega Master System with a busted controller where each lost life equals a 360 twist of the rectal tool and country music is blasting away with full tremble.

My own sins I’m completely responsible for, and intend to tackle one I’ve shared before - it’s not looking at Vanessa Hudgens’ pics ! That bitch is 19, that’s fair game! High School Musical is not a documentary, it’s a fuck’in musical - so I didnt watch it, my standards won’t allow. She’s not your precious Hanna Montana (BTW, eew)! It’s not kiddie porn, it’s barely legal! You dont check out Mila Kunis? They’re nearly the same chick, hypocrite! 

… deep calming breath …

The issue: my lack of quality reading. A good writer should read to be inspired and rip off masters of the field; the last paragraph attests to qualities I could improve - taste for example. This allegedly being a comedy blog, you’d think I’d read books by comedians - nope, not a one. George Carlin has been elevated to deity of the Dominion Pantheon, couldn’t I honor the old genius fuck with reading Naplam & Silly Putty, Brain Droppings, or When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?  I chuckle just saying the last title cause He was Jewish and wouldn’t eat pork chops, although many Christians do, although the Bible says it’s an abomination, like being gay, but you’ll beat up a guy’s boyfriend then go to a barbeque and have ribs - not that gay bashing and babeque are linked it’s just that the same people enjoy both I bet? Focus, that’s another quality to be improved.

“I’m in between jobs currently, and cable’s been canceled, so I’ll finish Heinlein and promise to try to hope to endeavor to get some more classy reading done.” - Digga, that lying ass.

Technically true, I’m 15 pages closer to the end of Heinlein. It was classy reading and I’ve done more of it; naysayers will be lemon juice boarded (water boarding with a citrus zing).  I’m not gonna blame the job hunt nor reacquistion of cable through AT&T U-verse - nor will I go into a commercial aside on it’s merits.

 Eye fatigue, that’s it! When you stare at a screen as much as I do, more reading seems like less of a recreation and more like the treatment scene from A Clockwork Orange. Pretty flimsy this being the information age where everyone reads all the time, a many vain assholes write blogs to further make you read for entertainment just to sate their hungering for attention and desperate need for validation from strangers … loser fucks.   

AUDIO BOOKS! Yes, this is the solution. They cut out the pesky time devotion but give all the benefits without intruding on my multitasking lifestyle - if you can count doing three things in an average day such a lifestyle. I listen to podcasts, make podcasts, will be recording a podcast on books today. It’s like a podcast, but longer, with only one person, talking about the same topic, every time, in a voice that may annoy you, over and over.

I wonder if High School Musical 2 is on DVD yet?

My Jovian Chronicles Campaign welcomes a new player tomorrow. We met Kevin at a one shot demonstration of 4th Edition ran by our local D&D Meet Up group - “D&D Meet Up: because role-playing by yourself is the saddest shit in existence”. (Not official motto) Nice guy, but in true player fashion he’s already fucking shit up for me, the GM.

“Play whatever you want,” I offer being the creatively egalitarian yet masterful setting crafter I am. He considers for a moment, “How about an alien doctor?”

JESUS BULGING-BALLS CHRIST!, blasts through my head but trickles out as a polite, “Mmm … OK.” 

I would’ve suggested one of the alien races I have planned already, but when you’re doing an ever-expanding sandbox style setting “planned” means only existing as a concept - i.e. too lazy to have an actual write up with game stats until the story comes to them. So, I’d just end up creating another race that would reveal some of the setting’s mystery and a cunning player could just keep saying pass to learn a lot about the big players. The species I’m making is therefore of this world but far from home, helping him to fit in the exploration theme of the story.

The species has no name yet, so we’ll call them Kevinians. If he thinks up this name this lame, he’s out of the group. Despite the exotic name, they’re generally your short ever-familiar - especially if you’re a probee- grays. Big eyes, no mouth or nose, super smart/perceptive, built-out-of-Kleenex fragile witha matching complexion. Medium sized humanoids with Intelligence +4, Wisdom +2, but Strength -2 and Constitution -2.

 Another hallmark is that they can communicate telepathically, IMing your thoughts. Further, Kevinians have a keen sense of sentients around them, even primitive forms, granting the Notice skill +2 to detecting living things.

A unique touch is a photosynthesizing metabolism like a plant - I suppose instead of eating they rub mud on themselves until the nutrients soak in like they do in Haiti. As a balancing effect of this advantage, on overcast days or when removed from Corusea light for a scene they become Fatigued - even better would be if the mechanic worked like thirst or going hungry, a DC 10 + 1 per hour Fort save after a day without sun, inflicting damamge. Asexuality won’t likely come up, but creates an interesting potential as staying in a fertile soiled, humid and bright environment for several days will begin to give him pregnancy like symptoms of … uh, The Budding (ominous DUN DUN DUUUH!).   

Of course they must have KEWL SYAWNIC POWERZ. This gets interesting cause I’m sick of the Vancian magic system with powers per day of those you know, and 4th Ed. gives us a juicy MMO-like alternative. He’s - it’s - a telepath, so we’ll base this off the powers of that class in the Agents PSI chapter of D20 Modern. Power points can and will be replaced by the nifty new At Will, Encounter, and Daily power usage mechanic. Your lowest level powers are At Will, the highest level powers are Daily and all in the middle are once per Encounter accessible. 

Power selection is a bit more complex. Starting with three zero level and one first level power, you get a new power every level and the highest power level you get is half your character level rounded down - when you get a new level of power you get that extra one in addition. That’s simple enough. This is for the Telepath advanced class however, but the class has no real talents or feats like the base ability classes (Strong, Fast, etc). The Kevinian player character is going to be a Smart class of level 2, not up to the advanced Telepath standards - class warfare is ugly. 

I’m gonna take away that free power when you get a new psionic power level, but you can choose a new power from that highest tier when your class levels. Also, no Telepath class features at all, but there’s still an imbalance having psionic availability. Power success/failure use a rolling mechanic: instead of the automatic 10 + Intelligence modifier + power level for the DC, we swap the base 10 for a d20 roll. Chaos can be a motherfucker. Further, using a Daily power causes mental Fatigue (Intelligence and Charisma -2) until they have a short rest. Mental Exhaustion is also possible.  

We’ll see how the Kevinian does tomorrow. The players will have to break out of captivity with the aid of a new alien ally, unless they kill him first. As GM, I’m willing to risk it.  

“Hmm. The chili is extra tangy today. Is that cilantro?”

No, it’s white trash ass!

I’d go on Youtube with a video denouncing Mr. Unstable to black ball him from all food service, including his real name (Bobby Joe or Tyler Jack most likely). With a penchant for cleanliness, janitor would be perfect for him - especially with this guy in charge of him - for the rest of his life. This the compromise I’d accept since rolling him over the grill a few times would likely break the letter of the law - not spirit - plus it would just compound the problem by adding boy bacon bits to your Western Ranchero Whopper.

It’s an assumed part of our culture that if you’re a raving bitch or dinosauric dick to your food server some extra “seasoning” - i.e. snot, spit, or semen- may be added to your dining experience. However, this is indiscriminate screwing of everyone that comes to that Burger King without being inordinately troublesome, yet still receiving food with indirect contact to sweaty taint. At the lower rungs of society, these sects of the proleteriate have been subtlety coercing us, and now they’ve taken another step in power - dinner table terrorism. 

It’s not our fault you work at a fast food joint. Blame your lack of ambition, bad economic climate, apathetic high school guidance counselor, Mamma smoking menthols while pregnant, or your drunken conception on top of a running microwave when she worked at BK - unless she’s the Domina, whom can do whatever she wants. My building nausea has been quelled by her very likeness … mmmmm … Rosario …

Anyway, we give these little fucks the power by going to where they hold sway. Fast food is convenient but bad for you. Delicious, but comes from unknown sources. Brown bagging it is healthier and cheaper. Salads come in bags you know. Grill up some chicken, cut  up some tomatoes, cucumbers, toss in some croutons, dressing: BAH-DAMN, dinner. Tivo gravy goddess Rachel Ray, she’s quick and clean - but such a dirty girl.

Failing this, Subway is safest - so go ahead be as picky as you want there and treat them like shit.

I’d go to our local zoo, provided the Mayor hasn’t sold it for lawyer money yet, if this new story pans out:

The “official” site: http://www.searchingforbigfoot.com/ 

It’s likely a hoax. Not because I belief we know the world so extremely well that it’s a scientific impossibility, but because … look at the fucking thing. Looks like the bastard son of Chewbacca and a grown up Alice Snuffleupagus sleeping off a hangover in a refrigerator after getting blitzed cause Dad won’t accept him as a true warrior of Kashyyyk and no one believes Mom exists. In the backlash of this scandal he decides to go to AA to get himself cleaned up. There, an old friend of the family - Telly - becomes his sponsor, revealing that he’s the youth’s real father in a tearful breakthrough.

This is the only picture? If I hunted sasquatchesses (Dominion-approved plural form) for years, suffering the scorn of even my bestiality enthusiast park ranger peers, and found one of those I’d have the camera right up in his grill taking dozens of pics. He’d be hung up from a tree with me next to him striking Abu Ghraib guard poses at his dredlocked junk. Atrocious respect for a legend, maybe, but how big is the biggest deep freezer you’ve ever seen? They may have had to cut off his legs to get him in … if this wasn’t a fake. We had a shag carpet when I was child, which they’ve recovered and placed with a not so groovy halloween mask. Not even a pic of the hands, mouth, or big fuck’in feet?!

I want bigfoot to be real from an anthropological curiosity. Where would they fit in the primate family? How they hell did they hide for so long? Are they sapient? Can they ball? Would they vote Republican or Democrat? Would Oprah buy them a plot of land to hide in? How long until Paris Hilton makes a sex tape with one? Maybe they’re better off legendary.

Even skeptics are open to the possibility:

Easy to understand the attraction of something new coming into the world that isn’t another patch for Vista, Soul Caliber sequel, or yogurt to help you shit.